luvbeatsthecrapoutofyou.blogspot.com

new hair :)))))

2011-09-26T08:13:00.001-07:00

brown girl

2011-08-15T06:18:00.001-07:00

colorful

2011-08-06T06:22:00.000-07:00

drAMA RAMA sa hapon

2011-08-02T06:19:00.000-07:00

pix

2011-07-12T08:28:00.000-07:00

which is which???

2011-07-07T18:35:00.000-07:00

simple pleasure of a very simple girl...

2011-07-06T23:43:00.000-07:00

Simple pleasure: Black Pearl Cookies and Cream and some new delivered nail polish!

Matte polished nails...

get yours too..just add Ezra's Closet in FB...

Team Plants vs. Zombies

2011-07-06T23:38:00.000-07:00

Tita Mecky and the Wallnut a.k.a my Nagaraya

Clyde and the Pea shooter!

Charles and the Chili!

I WANT...... :))

2011-07-03T05:05:00.000-07:00

pics.pics.pics

2011-07-03T04:38:00.000-07:00

Me and my Nagaraya (a.k.a Wallnut)

Morning legs, with blue nail polish..luvre!

with my elementary teacher, Ma'am Quesada-Manuel

at work

elementray reunion...

with Kiboy and Joseph

it's a girl thing... lol

Me and Fedie "Perdita" :))

Me with Lany and Celina

Me and Daniel

Me with Ralph, Jason and Ma'am Quesada - Manuel

hehehehe

@work

beautiful girls

pretty :))

jaja's shot

hehehehe... hungry!

more fun pics :))

2011-06-11T20:02:00.000-07:00

Me and Ferdie!

I love them!

Do you like my dress? I like it too :))

Ms. Wasted

K-POP :))

swim swim swim

fun fun fun

water+shisha+jager+grey+redhorse= fun fun fun

2011-05-29T02:55:00.000-07:00

Jho and Joy, our sexy Jager Ladies!

Mommy Mitch, Jho and Joy

Me and Ace

The birthday boi, Glenn

Me and Harley

Me and Jho, our sexy Q.A

Blow, birthday boi!

Mec, keepin it real!

Our jager! Weee

lovin Mark's smile!

The sexy pretty wave 8 girls

Me, Liberty and my pouty mouth hehehe

Me, D and the Jager

Saraaaaaaaap!

H.U.N.G.R.Y

form a circle and we'll start a revolution

mecky, making love with the Jager!

Me, Ferds and Ace

friends

Mecky and Mark

Sisters are doing it for themselves :)

we are smiling... yey!

assembling the Shisha

mecky in action

yey!

2011-05-21T19:16:00.000-07:00

woke up and realize that I'm turning into a woman that I always wanted to be... weeeee :) good vibes

My self destructive phase is over! This is me now :))

My friend said that this is my "Maruja" moment hahahaha!

wearing my skirt from Hawaii, thank you Tatay and Tita Euly!

fun pictures :))

2011-05-01T06:16:00.000-07:00

saraaaaap...

I feel so energetic!

view from top...

me, wearing my dad's worn out jeans

flower girl? hehe

Me and the kids :))

Zen mode

Lobo

2011-03-20T14:27:00.000-07:00

Meron lang dalawang uri ng bata sa isang birthday party...

Pero parehas silang kakain ng cake. Parehas silang mag lalaro ng Trip to Jerusalem. Parehas din sila papalo sa paso para makakuha ng maraming kendi. Pero higit sa lahat pareho silang mabibigyan ng lobo.

Kung susuwertihin, pwede pa sila pumili. Aba, marami yatang lobo na nakabuhol sa mga upuan. Iba ibang kulay. Syempre pipiliin ng mga bata kung ano yung paborito nilang kulay. Pagtapos pumili, lalapit ang mga bata sa kanilang mga magulang, ipapabuhol ang lubid ng lobo sa kanilang kamay para hindi ito lumipad.

Itong isang bata mukhang minalas yata, sa sobrang kaharutan, nakalipad ang lobo ng hindi niya namalayan. Oh eto pa yung isang bata, nakalipad din ang lobo niya. Mukahng naiingit pa yata kaya nakigaya.

Yung isang batang nakigaya, namangha nung lumipad sa langit ang lobo niya, hindi mapatid yung ngiti na parang nagiging ngisi na. Gandang ganda siya sa nakita, kulay pula kasi ang lobong napili niya. Dramatic ang effect ng kulay sa mala scenery na background ng mga ulap. Tatakbo siya sa kanyang mga kalaro at ipagmamalaki ang nangyari.Lalaan ang isang minuto at kukuha siya ng panibagong lobo. Paikot ikot siya pero wala na siyang mahanap na pulang lobo kaya ayun sige yung asul nalang daw, pupwede na yan. Pinabuhol niya ulit sa kanyang kamay pero nakalipad ulit yung lobo, tuwang tuwa ulit yung bata. Aba, nakuha pang mang agaw ng isa pang lobo sa isa sa kanyang mga kalaro. Tsk Tsk Tsk...

Pero yung isang bata medyo kakaiba. Aba humiga pa sa damuhan. Nakatingala lang siya sa mga ulap, nagaantay. Nung una batid pa sa mga mukha niya ang saya pero ano bayan lagpas na ng 5 minutes wala parin. Palibhasa'y hindi pa nakakatungtong ng Grade 2 kaya hindi pa niya alam kung ano ang gravity.

Iiyak siya papunta sa kanyang nanay at kahit anung gawin ng lahat, hindi niya tatanggapin ang kahit anong lobong ibibigay sa kanya. Kahit iabot pa ito nung batang may birthday. Pakiwari kasi niya parang babalik ang lobo. Ano nga naman ang gagawin ng lobo sa langit?

Kung tutuusin, ang lobo ang unang pag - ibig ng isang bata.

At lalaon ang ilang bwan, uuwi ang tito ng bata galing ng ibang bansa at bibigyan siya ng pasalubong na boomerang. Duon nya malalaman na may mga bagay (at tao) na bumabalik. :))

more befunky pictures....

2011-03-15T10:03:00.000-07:00

Me and my Starburst friends; Mel, Myk and Marvs

me and Clyde's turtle..

drinking with my friends. fun fun fun :))

an amateur cartoon of us... hehehe

say a little prayer...

2011-03-12T22:10:00.000-08:00

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.

Amen.

Befunky!

2011-03-11T20:02:00.000-08:00

drink drink drink

very proud of this shirt!

proud of the kilay lol..

my other favorite!

2011-03-03T02:32:00.000-08:00

I'm sad that he did not make it to the Top 13. I love the way he sang this song, cant help but feel emotional. This rendition is better than the original, by the way. This kid is going to make a lot of girls cry someday. ;p

Good luck Robbie...

musical boner!

2011-03-03T02:19:00.000-08:00

I've been looking for this song for years now. I heard this from House M.D Season 2 " Distractions", when House took LSD to counteract the migraine meds he took. This was the song playing in the background when he said " I see music!". After my exhaustive research I found this. Meyn, my musical boner, can you feeeeel it? hahaha ;p

fun with stitch!

2011-03-02T01:42:00.000-08:00

Here's our boi, Stitch! He's all clean, we just washed him and he's now ready for some serious inebriation!

Pretty Basic!

2011-02-28T00:21:00.000-08:00

Here I am, still forcing myself to sleep. Time is what I have right now, my companion. I love 4am. It's the only time my crappy wireless broadband service allow me to watch videos from You Tube without any interruption. My brother wants a faster service, which is fine. After all, he wants to pay for it but then again, I don't need a faster service. I read blogs on the internet. I dont download much online unless I discover a new band or music. How much speed do I really need? Im fine with this. It doesnt take that much to make me satisfied. I could use something BASIC.

When things get so complicated, go back to basic. This is one of the first things I learned from attending a journalism school. It came from a writer, forgot his name, forgot his position on the newspaper but I never forgot what he said.

A week ago, my brother made some wisecracks about my "Chinese BlackBerry". I gave him the impression a month before,on a phone call, that I bought a real one just to see how he'd react. And when he arrived home, and saw my phone he said " Ano ba naman yang phone mo? Parang hindi ka nagtratrabaho sa Call Center ah". It was sooo funny. I did'nt find it offensive or anything. It's just that way he is! When it comes to new gadgets and shit, trust me, my brother knows about it and when he likes it, he'll buy it.

Honestly, I just need a phone that works. As long as I can text and call, who gives a damn if I bought that phone from a palengke? I dont want a super expensive phone that does everything! Im sort of a purist, I guess when it comes to gadgets. I have a digital camera, I have Zen (my mp3 player), I have a laptop and I have my chinese Blackberry. So you see, I've come full circle, technology wise hahahaha. By the way, I can surf the internet on my phone. So it's not really a shitty phone just misunderstood. ;p

By all means, call me cheap. I just dont want to blow my hard earned money on something that I dont need. Basic. Basic. Basic.

I saw an Oprah episode a long time ago and it is about this dude who lives inside this super small motor house. He was'nt poor or anything, In fact I think he is rich but he chose to live in that small motor house which I think is really cool. Come to think of it? How much space do you really need? That dude, knows all about the basics.

Inexpensive yes, but my phone has a lot of pimp juice... :))

Happy Feet! :))

2011-02-16T23:38:00.001-08:00

Goal for the day. Be Spontaneous. I just thought It’ll be fun to wear my shoes and take photos. It’s a little silly, and I beg you please don’t rain on my parade. Let’s just go along with it, okay?

I’m not picky when it comes to shoes. I don’t need expensive ones either. Comfort and Simplicity is what I’m all about and footwear is not an exception. So how do I pick my shoes? It’s simple. When I go inside a store, I let the shoes speak to me. If it happens to be a little expensive, I will always do my strategic move of “ I’ll sleep on it.” If I still want the shoes the day after, then I will buy it. If it’s cheap, I’ll buy more pairs in different colors. And it doesn’t matter if it is from a flea market. If I like it, I will buy it, Kahit sa palengke pa yan pinagbibili!

I’m not that very big when it comes to colors. Most of the time, my eyes go directly to pale colored shoes. Browns as well, since that is my favorite color.

So here are the photos.

If you know me well, the sight of me wearing girly shoes is like seeing a monkey in Alaska. People know me as the boyish one and it’s true. When you don’t have a mom and you live with your dad and your brother, the idea of wanting to be kikay pretty much goes out the door. You risk being laughed at and the oh so cliché “ what the hell are you wearing?”. So I didn’t bother. But when I started working, I made a few adjustments. I started wearing skirts and I started wearing girly shoes. Yey!

This is one of my favorite shoes. Brown shoes # 1.

I have chunky legs so the best way to make it look longer is to wear skin tone shoes. Thus the illusion that your legs are longer.

I wear this one at work. Pay attention to that little thing at the top of the shoe. It looks as if somebody pinch it. All the shoes I wear at work are like this and it’s all because of an annoying minor detail at work. MY LOCKER. Mine’s at the bottom, so I have to kneel every time I need to get something. Getting up from the floor doesn’t do justice to my shoes.

I have a brown version of this pair but it got soaked from the rain and so I have to throw it away. You can see this shoe anywhere. But I love it. One of my co- workers said that this shoe “suits me”. Whatever that means… hehehe

Brown shoes #2. I bought this in Cavite. It looks like it’s made out of snake skin but it’s not.

This one is my favorite as well. It’s a little heavy but I like it. See, the color palette of my shoes are all the same.

Brown shoes #3. The shoes above and this one have the same brand and it is heavy as well. These are the shoes that I wore when I worked in Makati a few years ago. Hard to imagine me wearing this. I know right?

I bought this one from one of those 100 peso store. I don’t like Red but when I saw this, I thought It was cute. So I bought it.

This one used to have a strap but I had it removed because I find the straps annoying! That design detail there allows my feet to breathe.

This marks my obsession to pale or skin tone shoes. I like the insides of the shoes because It’s color pink. I find that really snazzy.

Again, with the color.

This pair of shoes is made in Brazil. I bought this from an Expo. I forgot what’s it called already. Sorry. lol

This shoe is really old. But it still looks good. Again, with the brown.

The texture of this pair is really different from the other Converse sneakers that I saw. I like that it’s shiny as well.

I loooooove my ninja shoes. They’re a little expensive but it’s worth it. By the way, I never clean my sneakers. I want it to naturally deteriorate on its own.

A closer look. Love the art work.

Lovin the drawing.

A perfect example of how I don’t clean my sneakers. Haha.

Natasha fever. I saw this and because it’s brown, I bought it.

I rarely wear this. I wore this once with a skirt. WTF?!?

My 1 and only Havs. I’m not really into expensive tsinelas. My rationale is that, If I can buy a pretty tsinelas for 100 pesos and 1 Havs is worth a grand. Why don’t I just buy ten pairs of 100 peso tsinelas, right? No brainer.

The FAKE HAVS. Haha. But mind you, the spelling is correct.

I wish I took photos of my other shoes before I got rid of them. But this will do.

A.M Happy :))

2011-02-15T07:30:00.000-08:00

I'm not a morning person but when I woke up this morning I felt so happy that I started to record it. I changed my curtains last week and I love the way the sunlight hits every corner of my room and sheds light on my books. Which points me to my next project----Paint my room all white. Goodbye my orange walls!

And for the pièce de résistance ---- The improvised breakfast! Yogurt and Bananas.

compartments

2011-02-14T04:29:00.000-08:00

I have always compartmentalized my life. I dont know how to do it any other way. Feel ko sasabog ulo ko pag pinagsamasama ko lahat ng aspeto ng buhay ko. Parang kang kumain sa isang party at lahat ng pag kain eh hindi mo lang pinagsama - sama sa isang plato kundi pinaghalo - halo pa imbis na magpabalik balik sa buffet table para tikman isa isa ang mga pagkain. Hindi mo na ma aappreciate ang bawat lasa ng putahe.

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I never seem to understand the concept of moving on.
Alam ko deep inside naiintindihan ko siya but I never seem to grasp what it is really all about or hindi ko lang na e-execute ng mabuti. Pero eto ako, na ka move on na kung tutuusin pero It does'nt feel like it. I did everything I can to stay busy. Yung tipong pagdating ko sa bahay, matutulog nalang ako. Wala ng time mag isip, mag contemplate or ni mag reminisce sa mga bagay bagay. And so masasabi mo na ngang na ka move on na pero bakit ganito yung feeling? Fuck. I hate feeling Neutral.

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I get too distracted these days. I get too distracted sa mga BS na nakikita ko sa paligid, sa mga BS ng mga tao. Masyado akong naapektuhan. Pati mga bagay na kailangan ko gawin kailangan ko muna ilista sa isang papel bago ko makaligtaan.

Things to do:

` hanapan ng battery si Zen ( ang aking mp3 player)
`wash clothes every saturday
`buy yogurt
`put xmas deco in storage ( mec, february na...)

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Along time ago, a friend texted me a quote. It has something to with Love and how it dies. Sabi sa quote, Love dies but you dont have to die with it. Ang initial reaction ko nun eh " What the fuck does that mean?"
After 4 to 5 years, nakuha ko ang meaning ng quote. Whew!

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Minsan nalang ako maging excited sa mga bagay bagay ngayon. Kaya kapag na excite ako sa isang bagay, I go for it, aggressively if necessary. I know It will not last long kaya go lang ako ng go. Kapag na turn on ako sa isang bagay, sa isang movie, sa isang libro, sa isang kanta o sa isang piece of art na nakikita ko, talagang I make it a point to be involved. Kasi pag na turn off na ako sa isang bagay mahirap ng bumalik.

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Masarap makinig ng The Ataris kapag sukang suka ka sa nakaraan mo. No other band can make you feel good about your past. Ang The Ataris lang ang nakaka gawa nun.

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I saw yung mga diary ko pre college at post college days. It was tough reading it. I was sooo angry about a lot of things. Angst kung Angst, pare. Ngayon na intindihan ko na yung sinasabi ng erpat ko sakin na minsan natatakot siya kapag galit ako. Kasi grabe talaga ako magalit. Sobrang napa ka patient ko na tao pero pag napatid yun. Shet. Monster. Malalim kasi ang pinang galingan ng mga galit na yan. And yes, I hate to pull the Mom card pero dun nag simula yan lahat. When I lost her, I was so angry. Way way angry for my age. It was a long and rough journey.

But anyway, At first I want to burn it, sobrang dami nung diary. Yun kasi yung mga panahon na sulat ako ng sulat. Hindi ako mapakali nun kapag hindi ako nakakapag sulat. Gusto ko na siyang sunugin kasi tapos na yun eh. Ayoko ng maalala pa. Lahat ng mga bagay na iyon eh nilagay ko na sa kahon at nilabelan na " charge to experience". Pero may mga part kasi na nakakatawa kaya I decided to keep it. Siguro masasabi ko na ngayon na 25 years old na ako, nag mellow down na ako. Hindi na galit katulad ng dati. Yeah sure, my occassional na angst parin, I am still me after all. But not as angry as before. Sa lahat naman ng nangyari sa buhay ko, soobrang daming paring blessings na dumadating. Minsan nga lang inaatake ako ng pagiging ungrateful per kung regrets at regrets lang ang pag uusapan, halos wala ako nyan. APIR! :))

Galit ako!

2011-02-09T23:40:00.000-08:00

Kung simpleng mamamayang pilipino ka katulad ko, ito marahil ang ginagawa mo nung sumabog ang balitang ito.

Marahil isa kang misis na bumibili sa grocery at nag aalala na kulang ang budget mo dahil tumaas ang tinapay at asukal. O hindi naman kaya isang taxi driver ka na hanggang ngayon ay nagiisip parin kung ikaw ba talaga ang makikinabang sa meter callibration o ang operator mo na sinimulan ng taasan ang boundary mo dahil sangkatutak ang ginastos nila sa callibration. O hindi naman kaya isa kang call center agent na pauwi na galing sa trabaho at hindi mo alam kung may tiwala ka pang sumakay sa bus ngayon. O di naman kaya, na kagaya ko eh naglalaba ka ng kurtina ng inyong bahay o di naman kaya halintulad ng lola ko na nagluluto ng specialty mong adobo.

Ang lola ko ang nagbalita sakin na nag suicide nga ang dating general na ito. "Nagpakamatay na ang uncle mo..." ang giit ng lola ko. Matatandaan ko na ginamit din niya ang mga linya na to noon pero sa dating presidente naman natin "Ang lola mo...."

Sakto tumawag ang erpat ko galing Hawaii. Hindi pa sa kanila nakakarating ang balita kaya ako na ang nagsabi. " Ganun talaga anak kasi sasabit siya.."

Madalas maaalalahin ako sa mga taong namatayan kahit lang dun sa mga napapanood ko sa TV. Nung napanood ko yung interview nuon kay Ali Sotto nuong namatay si Miko Sotto naluha ako eh. Mas lalo na nung napanood ko na yung nanay nung call center agent na namatay sa Makati Bus bombing. PWEDE YUN MANGYARI SA KAHIT SINO SATIN. Puta, that could have been me. Mahilig pa naman ako sumakay sa bus.

Pero this time, wala akong naramdaman kung hindi galit lang. Medyo napatawa pa nga ako ng onti. Hindi naman ma ala Hyena na tawa but more of like " Are you kidding me? " kind of laugh.

I wish my reaction was different, kasi it's more humane I guess or what's that word --- sympathetic, to act sad or concerned or at least bothered. A normal reaction to a person who just died should be remorse pero hindi. Para akong si Randy Jackson na wala nalang ibang nasabi kundi " What kind of show is this?" nung may pumasok na babaeng naka costume na armadillo sa Audition room.

Medyo na guilty pa nga ako sa reaction ko kasi ano ba naman ang alam ko. How can a person like me or you know the truth? Kahit ba sabihin mong nanonood ka ng balita or sinusubaybayan mo yung Pabaon at Pasalubong probe eh putang ina kelan ba naging madali makuha ang katotohanan sa panahon ngayon. Pero meyn, ganun talaga yung naramdaman ko.

I dont know what to make out of it kasi. We will never ever know why he killed himself and I bet your ass na hindi natin talaga malalaman kung ano yung totoo sa mga nangyayari sa militar at yang corruption na yan. Kung malaman man nating yung totoo eh anu naman ba ang mangyayari sa kanila? Makukulong ba sila? Kung mangyari man yun, malamang magpapatayo payan ng tennis court sa loob ng kulungan. Mag papakabit payan ng aircon sa bilibid kung saka sakaling may SKIN ASTHMA pa yan. Tapos lilipas lang din ang taon at makakalaya din with matching exclusive interview pa sa BottomLine.

So ano ngayon sa ating mga pilipino kung nagpakamatay siya? May lahi ba siyang Japanese at nag bushido siya? Why should I care about this person's life. Eh hindi naman naghirap ito. Hindi naman isang kahig at tuka ang naging buhay nitong tao na to.Eh ang dami daming pilipinong namamatay araw araw sa gutom at sakit. Ang karamihan sa kanila ni walang pera para magkaron ng matinong libing.

Eh samantalang siya, wala pang 3 oras, nililitanya na ng radyo at telebisyon yung mga achievements nya sa TV. Sa libing niyan malamang meron pa yang 21 gun salute. Bago siya namatay, nakapag enjoy pa siya ng retirement niya ng naglalaro ng golf.

Alam ko napa ka layo ng comparison ko at marami ka na sigurong loopholes na naiisip sa argument ko. Pero ang nasa isip ko kasi eh kung gaano karaming tao ang matutulungan ng mga milyones na nakukuha ng mga taong katulad nito. Oo sige, pwede mo sabihin biktima siya ng bulok na systema pero puta naman, sakaka " biktima Lang ako" natin niyan marami munang taong mamamatay na sana ay natutulungan.

Pag naiisip ko yung mga linya ni Garcia kay Rabusa na " o mag produce ka ng ganitong pera " na within one week ay naproproduce nila ay nagagalit ako. Bakit pag dating sa health care walang maproduce na pera? Sa education? Sa environment? Sa employment? Pero pagdating sa pagbili ng Howitzer mabilis pa sa alas otso mag produce ng pera. Pagdating sa pamimigay ng pera napaka bilis. Saan napupunta ang pera? Pinambibili ng lupain sa Manhattan. Sa Manhattan pare!

GANITONG MGA KLASENG TAO BA ANG DAPAT KONG KAAWAAN?????

Ganito bang klase ng tao ang dapat bigyan ng pakikidalamhati? Mga taong kinapitan lang ng konsensya NUONG MABUKING NA???? Mga Klase ng tao na kung magpabudbod ng pera eh kala mo kendi lang ang pinamimigay. 8 figures ang pinaguusapan dito. Isipin mo kung ilang pilipino ang sanay natulungan ng pera na yan. Ilang bubong sa eskwelahan. Ilang libro. Gamit sa government hospitals, sa police station, scholarships, kabuhayan, pabahay at higit sa lahat GAMIT NG MGA SIMPLENG SUNDALO.

One life over millions of filipinos... why should I give a shit?!?

Naaalala ko ang isang episode sa series na House. May isang Amerikanong doctor na nagpupunta sa Africa para gamutin ang mga may sakit na Tubersclerosis. Bumalik siya sa Amerika para kausapin ang pharmaceutical companies na magbigay ng libreng gamot. May isa siyang binitiwan na linya na hinding hindi ko makakalimutan. Sinabi niya ito matapos niyang sabihin na sa bawat segundo may isang taong namamatay sa TB sa Africa.

"WHERE IS YOUR OUTRAGE????"

Pero Mecky, walang papupuntahan ang galit.

I'd rather see people angry. Ibig sabihin they care. Kesa ung pasok at labas lang lahat sa tenga hanggang sa complacent na tayo at ibaon lang sa limot ang lahat. Mauuwi lang yan sa "hayaan mo na, kultura na dito sa pinas ang corruption."

Bros over Hoes :))

2011-02-07T05:14:00.000-08:00

I wrapped the gift last December at ngayon andito na si Kuya sa pinas ay nabuksan na niya. :))

It's a just a poster but I had it framed kasi medyo matanda narin siya. It reminds me of my Lolo's house kasi poster yan sa room ng Tito Bernard ko. My brother told me how much he really like the poster so I had it framed and Viola!!!

And yes, tama ka, Guess Ads yan I think back in the 90's. Si Drew Barrymore at Claudia Schiffer pa yan.

2011 woot woot !!!

2011-01-01T00:01:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year!

bag of happiness

2010-12-14T22:38:00.000-08:00

I roll all the wonderful memories I can think of into this one cool joint. I light it and smoke it. I inhale and exhale. I do it over and over again and now I have the munchies.

I rarely write about happy things. You can spend all your day reading this piece of crap (blog) and you will never see anything that resembles happiness. Happy things, I like to keep it all to myself, hold it like a secret. It will all be gone before I know it once I put it out there in the open so I keep all the grassy, smoky and sticky wonderful memories all to myself like a stash of weed. Ready and available when I need it. I like to come prepared when the shit storm hits.

The trouble with my own Polly Pocket of happiness is it's short shelf life. It never lasts. No impact. It's oh so temporary to me like an orgasm. So I devour devour devour while I can.

thoughts for sale

2009-12-14T00:01:00.000-08:00

I am the emotion inside Joni Mitchell's River. Gone are the days that I have complete control of things. It's different now. Emotions come together to gang up on me, gripping like a man's angry hand on a fragile woman's arm. Aggressive. Visual.

There are still traces of my old self but it needs to grab hold of something...of anything for survival. Survive, now that's no foreign word to me. That is what I have been doing. I'm just trying to survive.

With pursed lips I paused, allowing my mind to catch up with my fast thought process. Like a running athlete with body sweat all over, glimmering, penetrating, thoughts swept right through me as if in a hurry. There it goes again! Another image in my head, filed inside the crevices of my brain, stamped as pending and in need of re-evaluation. Great! This will keep me all night again.

The light hurt the corner of my eyes as the images pile up like paper work. There is no way that I can finish this tonight. Yeah, talk about left over thoughts.

If you look closely through the white sheets, you'll see my tears. Droplets of Icarus surrendered by gravity to fall. An offering to the Gods. They stain like lime deposits on a white ceramic tile. Dried and evident. These are the products of my weary thoughts. They say choose your poison, I'd say my thoughts chose me.

Sliver of memories turn into puzzle pieces that do not make any sense. They don't fit. Memory knows no reason, does not require logic. Feelings make memories, like price tags. It puts value on something we don't need.

and we buy it all the time...

a restraint to remember.....

2009-10-16T00:08:00.000-07:00

I’ve been trying to avoid writing on purpose. Every time I feel the urge to write and express what I feel, I force myself to do the exact opposite. The dude from Uptown Girls call it the Law of Contrary behavior. Now, it might sound rocket science- ish but it’s really rather simple. In other words, don’t write it, deal with it, I told myself.

Last week, I end up staring at my dad’s chickens as a ploy to distract myself. Scared to not stop pouring my heart out on paper, I put the pen down, threw the paper away and left. I preferred the company of my soon - to - be fried chicken friends than my thoughts. What a pussy.

I’m not very good at editing myself. In the past, I tend to lay my emotions on the table without care or whatsoever about how stupid, embarrassing or even anal I might look. What I am forgetting is a filter.

A friend once told me that I sometimes say uncomfortable truths. Whether that is true or not, this is what I know. When the floodgates are open, it’s going to be a never ending flow. So, I want to try something different.

It all started when a friend called to ask for an advice, yes, about love. Since I had a good run stretching my advice muscles when I was in high school, much more so when I went to college, coming up with an advice was a no brainer. NIL.

She loved my unbiased opinion and blurted out a compliment. It was a compliment that I respectfully refused to accept.

“You’re a thinker.”

“No, I’m not.”

“Yes, you are.”

“Am I? I’m not.”

“You are.”

“But thinkers are cold and I’m not cold. Am I?”

“No, but you are a thinker.”

“I constantly think about how I feel but that doesn’t mean I’m a thinker.
I’m a feeler. D’you hear me? F-E-E-L-E-R”

I don’t know how we end the conversation, and I still, up to this day, believe that I’m a feeler but I have to say, it did strike a chord in me and made me think.

“T-H-I-N-K-E-R”

Ohforfuckssakesleavemealone.

Ei, do you remember that movie about this dying chick who hooked up with this famous jerk in high school? Who would have thought that a dickwad could fall in love with a wallflower and stop being a jerk?

You will never hear about anyone who did not cry in that movie. There was a scene in that movie that I can’t get out of my head.

She was famous for wearing the same sweater since I don’t know when. This jerk did something bad and was stuck doing some time in the school's acting group. He befriended her so she can help him. They can be friends just as long as nobody knows about it.

She came to school one day and he saw him in the hallway with his usual friends. She stopped and talked to him but the jerk brushed her off and told her “in your dreams.”

Do you remember her reaction? I do.

You see, I had an epiphany. I realized that it’s not always about how you react on things in your life but it is sometimes about how you NOT react on things. When stuff get it the way, we always retaliate in words and in action. We drop smart but sometimes hurtful remarks just to redeem ourselves from the circumstance i.e. being hurt, feeling embarrassed etc.

As for me, I’m predisposed to throw some remarks to compensate the stupid feeling I get from these situations. I would write a sappy blog entry just like this and try to explain things as if I have an audience that is in dire need of my explanation. I would do something smart to re-gain the substance I though I have, back. But if I’m really, terribly smart, I should stop thinking and learn how to shut up.

Point is, I want to learn how to practice some restraint. I want to put my never ending thought process into a halt for the mean time so I can also move forward.

“The serenity of mind, gentleness, silence, self-restraint, and the purity of mind are called the austerity of thought.” - Bhagavad Gita

spot the train

2009-06-08T01:58:00.000-07:00

SPOT THE TRAIN
by Michelle Mae Simplicio

Choose Life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a Family. Choose a fucking big television….

…on and inexorably on it goes like an annoying racing commentary, that existential rant of a heroin addict. The perfect formula for happiness. He spoke of it but did not want to have anything to do with it. Well, at least during the beginning. Life does not come with an instruction manual, but it sure did sound like one.

We all have a little Mark Renton inside of us. A little PnP moment wouldn’t hurt right?

Spin the roulette and choose your poison. Anything in excess is addiction.

Drugs?

Alcohol?

Food?

Vanity?

Money?

Power?

Sex?

Fantasy gives pleasure. Reality gives pain. So smell the sea and dive. Who gives a shit about consequences nowadays. Leave the good life to the experts. You can spot your own trains later when you’re ready.

Light the spoon, cook some crack and inject. Drink, straight up no chaser. Eat like there is no tomorrow, throw up or starve yourself. Have your nose fixed and your body fat sucked. Steal some lands. Lie to the government and to the people. Cheat on the election. Hell, cheat on your husband or wife. Unwrap the condom and fuck. You can even video tape it if you want.

Anyone can fall into one of these traps.

So what if you’re the sheep that got lost? God knows it’s just a minor set back and he understands because just like Renton, you will choose to do all of the above later in life. It’s alright to make mistakes; after all, we are humans. Life has its own process. Good to bad, bad to good. It’s all just a cycle.

But beware; it will be an uphill battle. Your happy hours will not last forever. Your life has a turning point. You will soon get what you deserve.

And when that day comes, when the shit hits the fan just remember: grow some spine and apologize to the ones you hurt. Ask them for forgiveness. OWN UP TO IT. Don’t just say that you had a dumb moment; learn how to suffer the consequences. You know you’re smart, you knew before hand that it’s a mistake, but you did it anyway because you are a Mark Renton. We all are.

After that, you will CHANGE. You will spread your angel wings and fly. So relax, a good life is on the way. Don’t screw it up now.

Yeah, it’s just a phase. It will be over soon. Yeah, it’s just a phase and I am waiting for it to be over too.

star - crossed lovers

2009-04-03T01:22:00.000-07:00

SIDE A

Dear Child ( I’ve been dying to reach you) – Anthony Green
Use Somebody – Kings of Leon
Want you bad – The Offspring
Pilit – Hilera
Kamakailan lang – The Out of Body Special
Here in my room - Incubus

For some reason, he took her bag just to take a look at what’s inside: A pack of gum, a Victoria Secret lotion, a ZenVision and its charger. That’s all. She chose to travel light that day.

He played the video of Silverchair’s Abuse Me on her ZenVision. He was on the driver’s seat and started singing along. She just stared at him, half impressed and half in love. Something registered inside her, something new. There was something about that moment that gave her a sense of validation.

He drove pass this view and stopped for awhile to show her. The sun never looked that way before against the waters. It was pretty good. He kindly asked for a gum. She gave him a piece.

I once told him that the reason why I’m so drawn into him is because he says the things that I want to hear from the kind of person that I want to be with.

I was completely wrong…

It took me along time to figure out that the reason behind all of these; the longing and the crazy stuff I do to reel him back to my life, is because he sees the world differently than I do. He is someone that I am not. He sees the glass half full while I see it half empty. It wasn’t an “opposites attract” kind of thing. It’s not that simple. Not Occam’s razor.

There is something different about this situation and I’m trying my best to wrap my brain around it. That’s all I have so far.

I know a lot of people who like to peddle phony optimism. You know, people who like to appear positive but don’t really feel that way inside. Yeah—Them! People who are shit scared of what other people might say about their vulnerability. It’s just refreshing to find someone who is just downright optimistic. I admire that about him. He’s like a light and I’m sort of like a moth. I can’t resist his light and I can’t move away. I want to get close.

They were lying next to each other, her lips resting on his shoulder. She was playing her fingers on his chest. He asked her to stop, but in a gentle way. He said that it tickled. She was about to do something when she heard a voice inside her head. She was startled and was confused. How can someone be that close and yet felt so far away? She was lost. If it’s him or her, who knows? The voice inside her head didn’t help either. All that it is telling her is that she doesn’t love him. She felt weaker.

She went home and felt beaten up. It felt like she lost a war and that she lost a lot of men on her watch. She cried and she cried harder. She never cried that way before in her life, not for a very long time at least. The last time she did, it was when her mom died.

I only heard that voice once. To where it came from, I really don’t know. I was confused and I was scared because deep inside, I knew I felt otherwise…..

“Boy, you really got me goin. You got me so I dont know what Im doin. You really got me…You really got me…You really got me….”

today's blah blah blah...

2009-03-23T01:25:00.000-07:00

There are alot of things on my mind right now and I do not know what I am going to write about in this entry.

Nakalimutan ko na namang magbayad sa jeep kanina. Blame me for my thinking mode. Pag nasa mood ako mag isip, kahit bayad sa jeep nakakalimutan ko.

I went to Quiapo though, the other day. I was happy kasi I was able to buy more DVD’s. My latest find is a Saosin Concert DVD. At last, nakahanap din ako ng Across the Universe na DVD. Ilang buwan din akong hindi pinatulog ng movie na yan.

There are alot of things that I wanted to write but cant. Words dont come easy these days. I have so many ideas pero kapag may hawak na akong lapis at may papel, sooobrang hirap isulat. Ganito ba talaga ang tinatawag nila na Writer’s block. I dunno. Siguro, I’m just sick and tired of writing about someone else’s memory. It’s time to find another muse. I cant let someone consume my art. WTF. ( art, mecky? Talaga??)

I’ll find something or someone new to write about. Pero diba sabi ni Lester Bangs, the greatest art in the world is soley based on that need? The need for someone that we cant have. The need for the things that we can’t get? He’s also the same asshole who said that Jim Morrison is a drunken buffoon. So, siguro, ewan, hindi ako maniniwala sa kanya. Siguro…I think…

I guess, stuff dont inspire me that much anymore. Magiging excited ako for awhile over something, a book, a movie, " a person" , an album and then bigla nalang mawawala lahat. Things has its own way of sneaking in to my life and will just take something from me. And now, I have to work my ass off just to have it back.

I will be driven for a moment in time and then biglaan nalang akong mawawalan ng gana. I hate it. I cannot finish anything at all. Bibili ako ng libro, pilit pa kung basahin. I hate it when things dont run smoothly the way that I expected it and I feel frustrated when I do not get the job done.

I always thought I work best when I am angry. Marami akong nagagawa pag galit ako. Marami akong nasasabi, Marami akong output. Iba yung feeling na you are angry about something that matters to you– and your willing to fight for it.. Pero lately, I dont even have the energy to be angry at all. I’m just an empty vessel.

Ganito ba talaga when your getting older. I dont have any regrets at all but why do I feel like I’m missing a lot of things. What the fuck am I missing? Meron bang klase nung highschool na tinuro nila lahat at nagkataong absent ako kaya hindi ko alam????

Alam mo yung kasabihan na ” The Youth is wasted on the young?”. I think, yung mga sore losers na old people lang ang nagsasabi nun. Tumanda na sila at lahat , they never took risks. In a way, I felt a bit comforted na someday, pag tumanda ako, I will never ever feel that way. Coz I used up all my risk cards, man. I did not get a lot of brownie points for that pero I am damn proud of myself. Sure, it hurts. It fucking hurts. And it’s sure is a little bit blurry up in here now pero later on, I know, it is worth it. Magiging malinaw ang lahat right before my eyes at sasabihin ko sa sarili ko na - I handled things well. — I STAYED TRUE TO WHO I AM AND WHAT I FELT…

I am not just talking about love. I’m talking about life in general. Ikaw? When was the last time you took risks for love, for the truth, for whatever???

Group with the E

2008-10-25T01:27:00.000-07:00

GROUP WITH THE E

Ni Michelle Mae Simplicio

Polexia Aphrodisia, Estrella Star, Sapphire and Penny Lane…

You do not need to sleep with a band to become a groupie.

All you need to do is to fall in love with a person who cannot love you back and Viola!!!

Sign here…Sign there, thank you very much, Congratulations! You’ve earned yourself a label. —Now go ahead and fuck yourself…or something like that.

I don’t know about you but I’ve been there. That infinitesimal moment where nothing can go wrong even if there is a little self doubt that you might have miscalculated the steps but hell there is this burning shit inside you that says “hey, it’s cool…it’s safe , it will go your way” and the rest of the doubts disappear and the fear goes away and you know what’s left?

Just you and me, baby and nobody else matters. ..Yep, just you and that person that you love and care about. The music swells, the time stops and you get that perfect high as if you’re smoking some high grade weed.

But when the pleasure wears off and the bed sheets are changed, reality came right in, slapping you in the face. And you hear that Incubus song in your head…”The ride is over, did you enjoy yourself?”

—-And all that’s left is this one big orgy of his memories inside your head.

Para kang sumakay ng jeep na akala mo eh pabyahe ng Almar, pero ng makaupo ka na at nadukot mo na ang barya sa bulsa mo at inabot na ang bayad sa driver ay bigla siyang tumingin sayo na may hindi mawaring asta sabay sabi ng “Nova Bayan to” at lahat ng pasahero ay nakatingin sayo at napailing. Alam mo ang nasa isip nila—-ang tanga naman nung babae.

He uttered those words, those words that never fail to snatch the life out of me. Those words, which I actually wished were about me. But no. I was a substitute. I was a Polexia Aphrodisia. I was a Estrella Star. I was a Sapphire and I was a Penny Lane errr…no, let me rephrase that, I was a Lady Goodman posing as a Penny Lane.

Sa backstage, matapos ang malapit na engkwentro ng bandang StillWater sa hagupit ng kamatayan, nagusap si Rusell Hammond at Jeff Bebe.

“We never really hate each other, do we?” ang wika ni Jeff Bebe.

“I just can’t picture you with Leslie”, ang tugon ni Rusell Hammond.

“I’m the you they get when they can’t get you”, ang tugon ng magaling na singer sa kanyang lead guitarist.

So I guess that makes me the girl he can get when he can’t get her or while she’s “temporarily unavailable”.

Out story is like a much awaited, one night only reunion concert of a Revolutionary band but with no encore.

It’s hard to feel unaffected when I read his words. Here I am writing about him and there he is writing about her. I think I should stop using my commas and start using periods.
Wish I could say I am over you the moment I put my pencil down and start picking the crumpled papers on the floor…
But then I would be lying.

“…the girl I would trade my life just to see happy”
- boy

eager beaver!

2008-02-28T19:15:00.000-08:00

Logan: Beaver dont!

Beaver: My name is Cassidy!!!!

Logan: Cassidy dont!

Beaver: Why not?

Logan: (speechless)

Beaver: that's what I thought...

I spent the better part of my week thinking of nothing but Beaver. The day he jumped off the building is something that I couldnt get out off my mind up until now. I keep on returning to that moment where Gravenhurst's See my friends started playing in the background while Beaver was walking toward the edge of the building. It never fails to give me the chills. Those gloomy eyes of his and that impudent smirk across his face when he said his last words is a contradictory that makes a lot of sense to me. Especially when I figured out why he jumped with such tenacity and detachment from what people may call a LIFE.

Did Beaver jumped because he has no value for his life?

I dont think so...

Beaver didnt jumped because he blew up the bus. He didnt jumped because he raped Veronica. He didnt end his life because he killed Curly and Woody. Those are just a bunch of bad decisions strung together.

He jumped because there's nothing else to look forward to in life. Because the truth is , nobody really saw him for who he really was. No one really dug deeper to get to know him.

His mom didn't want him to be with her in Europe because she has a new family of her own. His dad dismissed him all the time because he's not as "manlier" as dick. Dick, his colossal idiot brother, whose dreams include fucking half the world, teased him all the time and pushed him to do some stuff just to make him look "cool".

All Beav's got was his trust fund and the life that came with it.

But someone different came along and she's not caught up with all the superficial bullshits that surrounded Beaver's life. Mac happened. She showed Beaver a life different from his. She showed him that he doesnt need to do all of the stupid stuff that his superficial world tells him to do, that he doesnt need to tag along with his brother's stupid ass friends to prove that he is a man. She showed him that he doesnt need to fuck a fake plastic dolled up "O9er" just so everyone will sing his praises. She showed him what really matters in life.

But Beaver was facing the inevitable and there's no turning back. It was already too late and Beaver knew that Mac cant save him.

In some weird way, I sort of understand Beaver. He was searching for something deep in his life and he couldnt get it. He was searching for meaning and he couldnt find it. Because everytime he tried to, his stupid world and his stupid past kept on pushing him into situations that not only made him hate himself but also his life.

I kept playing that particular scene in my head, somehow expecting a tiny shift of opinion but nothing happened. I hate that Beaver died but I was rooting for him to jump. Beaver is better off dead than alive. If i have the same life as his, the same superficial people around me, I'd rather jump as well.

"You don't see me at all"
- 3 libras, A perfect circle

existential mecky

2008-01-08T21:06:00.000-08:00

I lay in bed everynight and think about how much i want more of him. Frustrations are snowballing...my thoughts resemble this song...

"Existentialism On Prom Night"

When the sun came up,We were sleeping in,

Sunk inside our blankets,

Sprawled across the bed,

And we were dreaming,

There are moments when,

When I know it and

The world revolves around us,

And we're keeping it,

Keep it all going,

This delicate balance,

Vulnerable all knowing,

Sing like you think no one's listening,

You would kill for this,

Just a little bit,Just a little bit,

You would, kill for this

Sing like you think no one's listening,

You would kill for this

Just a little bit,

You would, you would...

Sing me something soft,

Sad and delicate,

Or loud and out of key,

Sing me anything,we're glad for what we've got,

Done with what we've lost

Our whole lives laid out right in front of us,

Sing like you think no one's listening,

You would kill for this,

Just a little bit,

You would,

Sing like you think no one's listening,

You would kill for this,

Just a little bit,

You would, you would....

Sing me something soft,

Sad and delicate,

loud and out of key,

Sing me anything.

pissing in the wind..

2007-11-19T21:14:00.000-08:00

“PISS POOR MELODRAMATICS”
ni Michelle Mae Simplicio

Sa wakas pumantay narin ang maikling kamay ng orasan sa mahabang kamay nito sa numerong 12. Anim na oras pa bago siya obligahin ng mundo na bumangon upang magsimula ng panibagong araw. Alam niya na mahaba ang anim na oras, at sa bawat segundong kanyang papalampasin ay alam niyang “SIYA” lang ang taong nasa isip niya. Ilang beses niyang itatanong sa sarili kung bakit mayroon siyang nadarama para sa taong iyon at kung bakit siya malungkot sa nararamdaman niya. Bawat sagot ay may katumbas na patak ng luha sa kanyang unan.

Tumawa siya at tumagilid mula sa pagkakahilata sa higaan sabay pahid ng mata sa unan.
“Basa na naman ang unan mo kagabi noh?”, ang biro niya nuon sa kabarkada niya nung high school. Naalala niya na nabuo niya ang linyang iyon sa sariling karanasan sa pag iyak gabi gabi.

“Sadyang may mga bagay kang kailangang iyakan”, pabuntong hininga niyang sinabi sa sarili.

Ganyan ang paraan ni Ana ng paglabas ng sama ng loob sa mga bagay bagay lalong lalo na pagdating sa pag – ibig. Naalala niya ang episode ng Will and Grace na napanood niya sa telebisyon. Malungkot si Grace dahil naghiwalay na sila ng kanyang boyfriend. Ilang araw na siyang hindi lumalabas kaya sinugod siya ni Will, Jack at Karen sa loob ng kanyang kwarto at kinaladkad siya papuntang banyo para paliguan. Nasa loob na ng shower ang apat at basang basa na. Sa gitna ng nakakatawang eksena ay bumanat ng linya si Grace at nagsabi na hayaan nyo akong malungkot, eto lang ang alam kong paraan. Tumahimik ang tatlo at sinamahan si Grace mahiga sa kama. Tumawa ang audience at nabalot ulit ng katatawanan ang eksena bago ito matapos.

Natural, hindi naman drama series ang Will and Grace noh? Pero hindi niya mapagkakaila na sa malungkot at makatotohanang eksena na iyon ay naging pareho sila ni Grace. Malungkot pero totoo…

“Putang Ina!”, walang pakundangan niyang sinabi. Alas dose palang kasi ng madaling araw. Sigurado siyang hindi na siya dadapuan ng antok. Padabog siyang bumangon sa kama at tumitig sa kanyang maputing hita na natatabunan ng mga maliliit na tubo ng mga buhok. Hinimas niya ito na para bang ito’y nanghihina at nangngailangan ng balot.

“Saka na ako mag sha-shave”, bulong niya sa kanyang sarili.

Kinuha niya ang mp3 player sa kanyang lamesa at iniscroll ang menu bar sa Music Library. Pinindot niya ang OK ng lumabas sa screen ang salitang “play list”.

Unang umakyat sa entablado ang Mazzy Star. Umupo si David Roback sa maliit na hagdan sa harap ng stage. Habang inaayos niya ang strings ng kanyang gitara. ay umakyat naman si Hope Sandoval sa stage at naglakad papunta sa kanya na parang bata Suot suot nito ang kanyang polka dot na damit, ang kanyang putting leggings at ang madumi niyang boots. Natatakpan ng mahaba niyang buhok ang mga namumula niyang pisngi. Hinampas niya ang hawak hawak niyang tambourine sa kanyang hita ng ilang beses, pinikit niya ang kanyang mata at nagsimulang kumanta ito ng “Fade into you” na parang lasing.

“I look to you to see the truth…”

Dumilat na si Sandoval at natapos na ang kanta. Sumunod ang REM at ang kanilang kantang “Night Swimming”.

“I’m not sure all these people understand…”

Pinindot nya ang forward at biglang naisip na kamukha ni Michael Stipe si Kevin Spacey. Sumunod naman si Matthew Sweet at kumanta ng “Let me be the one”.

“Some sleepless night, if you should find yourself alone…

Let me be the one you run to,

let me the one you come to when you need someone to turn to..

let me be the one…”

Nawala ang boses ni Matthew at sumunod ang Ben Folds Five sa pagkanta ng “Brick”. Ninamnam niya ang bawat salitang lumabas sa bibig ni Ben.

“…now that I have found someone, I’m feeling more alone than I ever have before”

“Kabisado ko pa..”, payabang niyang inamin sa sarili na para bang accomplishment na nakamit. Sumunod naman ang Smashing Pumpkins at ang cover version nila ng “Landslide”.

“...mirror in the sky, what is love?”

Naalala ni Ana ang pelikulang “Jersey Girl” at ang eksena dun kung saaan dinalaw ng character ni Ben Affleck ang namatay na asawa nito sa sementeryo na ginampanan ni Jennifer Lopez. Habang nakaupo si Ben Affleck sa damo ay pinapatugtog sa background ang original version ng Landslide na kinanta ng Fleetwood Mac. Ng minsang umuwi si Ana sa bahay ay nadatnang niyang pinapanood ito ng kanyang tatay. Saktong nadatnan niya ang eksenang iyon. Nakaakyat siya sa hagdanan ng hindi naaalis ang paningin sa tatay niyang nanunuod ng pelikula. Alam niyang nakaka relate ang tatay niya sa eksena.

Bumaba sa stage si Billy Corgan at sumugod sa stage ang Faith no More at kumanta ng “Easy”. Habang kumakanta ang banda ay umalis si Ana sa pagkakahiga at umupo. Itinaas niya ang kanyang mga kamay at winagayway. Pagkatapos ay tinupi niya ang kanyang mga daliri sa bawat kamay na parang korteng “C” at pinagdikit ito para mabuo ang korte ng isang puso. Winagayway niya ang puso sa ere na parang isang nabaliw na POW nung World War II.

“ Know it sounds funny but I just can’t stand the pain…

……I’m easy like Sunday morning”

Naalala ni Ana bigla ang paborito niyang kanta ng New Radicals na “Crying like a church on Monday”

“Now, I’m crying like a church on Monday, praying for these feelings to go away.. So do me a favor baby, put down your new god and love me like Sunday again…”

Bumangon si Ana muli at hinagilap ang drawer kung saan nakatago ang mga cassette tapes niyang nababalot ng alikabok. 2nd Year high school pa siya nung bilin niya ang album na iyon. Hanggang ngayon ay tanong parin niya sa sarili kung bakit nawala nalang bigla ang banda. Magaling pa naman sila para sa kanya. Nahanap niya ang tape at madumi na ang kanyang kamay. Tinatamad siyang maghugas kaya nilagyan niya ito ng alcohol at pinahid sa kanyang puting Hanes na t- shirt. Malinis na ang kanyang kamay pero madumi naman ang kanyang damit. Tinitigan niya ito ng matagal at inisip kung bakit niya yun ginawa. Kinamot niya ang ulo at pinalitan nalang ang suot.

“My love is real, as real as the flowers you smoke to get high…”

“Technicolor Lover, break my heart…”

“cause I’m need of a miracle….”

“I hope I didn’t just give away the ending…”

“You really blew my world…
….you really screwed my world…”

…Ito ang ilan sa mga hindi niya malilimutang linya ng mga kanta sa debut and last album ng banda. AT POOOOOOF! It became Coco Crunch. Nawala nalang bigla sa music industry ang banda.

“Ginaya kaya nila ang The Police?”, patanong niyang sinabi na kala mo eh may kausap.
Maraming nagsasabi na sa kalagitnaan ng concert ng The Police ay sinabi ni Sting kay Stewart Copeland at Andy Summers na pwede na silang huminto. At un, at the peak of their success, they decided to disband. Kung anu man ang talagang dahilan kung bakit sila naghiwalay ay hindi na natin malalaman.

Sunod sa kantang Easy ay ang “My Drug Buddy” ng The Lemonheads. Bago pa man magsimulang kumanta Si Evan Dando ay suminghot na ito ng coccaine sa backstage. Mapapansin sa mukha niyang pinaghalong Anthony Kiedis at Brandon Boyd ang mga ilang bakas ng mahiwagang pulbo.

“I love my Drug Buddy….”

..ang sabi ng back up vocals sa dulo ng kanta. Ang cute ng boses ng babae, hindi kaya si Kristin Herst din yung back up na iyon? Ewan ko…Itanong nalang natin kay Kevin Spacey este…Michael Stipe.

Sunod ay kumanta si Tori Amos ng “Silent all these years”.

…what’s so amazing about really deep thoughts?”

Si Tori ang pinakamaangas na pianista para kay Ana bukod pa kay Benjamin Folds. Meron siyang DVD ng concert na iyon na ginanap sa Florida. Kumakanta si Tori Amos ng “Father Lucifer”, pawis na pawis na ito at medyo magulo ang buhok at kahit ganun na ang kanyang itsura ay maganda parin siyang tignan. Makulay ang suot niya nuon at sa dami ng ilaw sa stage eh para siyang sarimanok ng ABS-CBN. Isa siya sa mga taong hindi kailangan magsuot ng itim para lang magmukhang ASTIG. Tatlo ang piano na nasa stage ng concert na iyon, dalawang magkapatong sa kanan at isang malaki pa sa kaliwa. Kung minsan sabay niyang ginagamit ang dalawa sa mga ito, naka spread eagle ang mga braso niya, isa sa kanang piano at isa sa kaliwa. Tuloy lang siya sa pagkanta ng “Father Lucifer” sa concert na iyon at sa puntong binanggit ni Tori ang lyrics na “…girls don’t eat pizza and never gain weight, never gain weight …never gain weight!” ay biglang niyang itinaas ang kanyang kamay sa ere at sa harap ng crowd ay nagsenyas ng dirty finger. Isang simbolo ng paghihimagsik sa mga taong wala nalang ibang ginawa kundi ikahon ang mga babae sa isang makitid at walang kwentang steriotipiko. Humiyaw at sumigaw ang audience sa pagayon sa sentimiento ng kanilang idolo.

Pumikit si Ana at ini-magine ang eksenang iyon sa concert. Tinaas din niya ang kanyang kamay katulad ni Tori at inisip niya na ang mga daliring iyon ay parang isang malamig na beer at nag toast silang dalawa ng magaling na singer.

WICKED, ika nga ni George at Fred Weasley.

Wala pang alas tres pero bumanat na si Grant Lee Buffalo ng “We’ve only just begun”.
Pairita niyang inilipat ang kanta at biglang humirit naman si Jewel ng “Who will save your soul?” na para bang nangiinsulto.

Nilipat ni Ana ang kanta sa susunod at biglang nangibabaw ang boses ni Scott Weiland sa apat na kanto ng kanyang kwarto sa pagkanta ng “And so I know…”. Umangkop ang mahinahong boses ni Scott (na bihira lang nating maririnig) sa lamig ng hangin sa labas.

"...disappearing, disappearing floating graves. Never, ever, ever, ever be this way again."

Naalala niya bigla ang sayaw ni Scott sa music video ng “Sour Girl”. How can a guy dance like a queer and still end up looking sexy and masculine? Nagfade na ang kanta at sumunod naman ang Radiohead.

“Don’t leave me high…don’t leave me dry….”

Sa kalagitnaan ng kanta ay naalala na naman niya SIYA. “Anung gagawin ko?” ang tanong ni Ana sa kanyang sarili with matching sad eyes pa. Bumalik ulit siya sa pagkakahilata at nagmuwestra ng baril sa ulo gamit ang kanyang kaliwang kamay. Tinamaan kang bata ka. Nagtago siya sa loob ng comforter dahil nararamdaman na niya ang paglamig ng paligid…o ng puso niya. Minsan talaga ay hindi niya mapigilan ang maging sentimental lalo na sa pag- ibig.

"Maybe Loving is the only decent thing I can do while I’m here on earth”

Paulit ulit niyang binago ang posisyon sa higaan dahil hindi niya maalala kung saang pelikula niya narinig ang linyang iyon. AT dahil hindi niya maalala ay nagdesisyon siyang banggitin paulit ulit ang linya na parang dasal at inangkin ang ideya na parang siya ang nagimbento. Sabay tingin sa ceiling…

Ugali na niya yan ngayon. Ang pagtitig sa ceiling at dingding. Tuluyan na kasing nanakaw ng utak niya ang kanyang attensyon sa paligid.

“Aanhin mo yung mga ganung klase ng feelings?”, ang sabi niya nuon sa telepono sa kaibigan niyang bading.

“Eh may iba – iba yang levelings…”, ang tugon ng kaibigan sa kabilang linya

“Pero para saan nga yon?..” mariin niyang sinabi sa sobrang kakatihang malaman ang sagot…

Napatid ang kanyang alaala dahil sa isang maliit na kagat na naramdaman niya sa kanyang balat. Pinalo niya ang kanyang hita pero hindi tinamaan ang lamok. Nakaligtas ang peste sa hagupit ng kamatayan. Masaya itong uuwi sa kanyang pamilyang lamok at papakainin ang mga anak ng dugo o papaliguan ng dugo. Eeeew.

Kinamot niya ang pinangyarihan ng krimen with much gusto. Pakunyari pa siyang humikab pero ang totoo ay hindi talaga siya makatulog. Hindi siya patatahimikin ng utak niya magdamag. Sarili laban sa sarili.

“Feelings mean nothing”, pautos na tinuktok niya sa kanyang bumbunan. Tandaan mo ang kanta ng The Used.

Naalala niya nung minsang nabadtrip siya sa pagsakay sa FX. Kung pwede lang ipahuli sa pulis ang driver sa kasong overdecoration eh gagawin niya. Pero hindi. Andun siya sa harap at walang choice kundi titigan ang pusa, baboy, aso at kung anu anu pang mga laruang hayop na naghe-headbang sa harap niya.

“Tang Inang laruan yan parang buro bakit pa naimbento!”, yun lang nasabi niya sa kanyang sarili.

Para sa kanya ang feelings ay parang ganuon din. Nakatunganga lang sa iyo, hindi mo alam bakit siya andyan at hindi ito basta basta nawawala. Walang purpose, purely decorative lang, pare at katulad ng lasa ng burong isda o “fermented fish” na paboritong ulam ng mga pampangeno, ay HINDI TALAGA ITO MASARAP…

Feelings…nothing more than feelings ika nga.

Tumahimik ang buong paligid at umakyat sa entablado si Dolores Riordan ng Cranberries. Nag Indian seat siya sa sahig at nagstrum ng gitara para makasiguro na nasatono ito. Wala pang isang Segundo ay narinig na ang kanyang rendition ng “Close to you” ng Carpenters.

“Why do stars fall out from the sky, every time you walk by?
Just like me, they long to be close to you…”

Mala-late na si Ana sa klase nuon kaya napilitan siyang mag taxi papuntang maynila. Ganito madalas ang gawain niya kapag tinatamad siyang pumasok sa skwelahan. Alam niya ang bawat shortcut sa daan papuntang ng skul at dahil dito ay malakas ang loob niya na hindi siya kayang dugasin ng driver. “Subukan lang niya”, bulong niya sa sarili bago niya isaksak ang earphone sa kanyang tenga. Ngayon lang niya ginawa iyon, ang makinig nalang ng sounds sa byahe. Madalas, nakikipagkwentuhan talaga siya sa mga taxi driver at inaaalam niya ang mga storya ng buhay ng mga ito. Pero ng dahil narin sa masamang ingkwentro niya kamakailan sa isang taxi driver na nagngangalang Pervert este Herbert, na walang ibang ginawa kundi ikwento ang mga karanasan nito sa mga babae, ay napagdesisyonan niya munang makipag cool off sa bawat taxi driver na kanyang makikilala. Ang bawat detalye ng sex life ni Herbert ay bumaon sa utak niya na parang screw driver at sa tuwing maaalala niya ang mga salita nito ay wala siyang ibang gustong gawin kindi ang dumuwal. Hindi na siya nakipagkwentuhan simula nuon.

Ang sumunod na trenta minutos ay inubos lang niya sa pagtulog sa loob ng taxi. Madalas siyang pinagbabawalan na wag matutulog pag sumasakay sa pampbulikong sasakyan pero matigas ang ulo niya. Sadyang mahilig siyang matulog at sadyang wala siyang pakialam. Maya’t maya pa ay huminto ang taxi sa kahabaan ng isang ospital. Nagising siya kaagad at ng naramdamang huminto ang taxi ay dali – dali itong lumabas ng pinto. Lumingon siya sa paligid ngunit wala ang driver. Hawak hawak niya sa kanyang kanang kamay ang kanyang bolpen na handang niyang isuksok sa mata ng driver kapag humirit ito ng “holdap”. Ang kaliwang kamay naman niya ay handa ng damputin ang bato sa gilid ng daan kung sakasakaling papalya ang kanyang mahiwagang sandata. Isa itong defense mechanism na tinuro sa kanya ng kaklase sa collegio ng minsang nagsabay sila sa bus pauwi galing Makati. Bago pa bumaba ang kaklase sa Guadalupe ay sinabi nito sa kanya na palagi niyang ihanda ang bolpen kung sakasakaling may magtangkang humablot ng kanyang bag. Natawa lang siya sa sinabi ng kaklase nuon pero ngayong nasa gipit siyang sitwasyon ay mukhang naininiwala na siya sa payo nito.

Nagulantang siya ng biglang lumitaw sa kanyang harapan ang driver na may hawak na bote ng tubig. Nakasabit parin sa leeg nito ang isang madumi at manilawnilaw ng good morning towel. Nag over heat lang pala ang taxi at nagawan na ito ng paraan ni Manong driver. Ngumiti ang manong sa kanya at nagmuwestra ng “aprub” kaya pumasok na siya ulit sa loob at kinuha ang kanyang panyo para punasan ang gamunggong butil ng pawis sa kanyang noo. Hindi pa siya napadaan sa lugar na iyon at alam niyang out of the way ito sa madalas na ruta ng mga taxi papunta sa skwelahan niya. Napahawak siya ng mahigpit sa kanyang seatbelt ng maalala niya kung ano ang nasa tabi ng sikat at repetadong ospital na ito sa Quezon City. Ito ang dating skwelahan ng taong nasa isip niya, nuong nasa collegio pa ito.

Mabigat ang kanyang loob ng madaan ang taxi sa kahabaan ng skwelahan. Kung anu man ang gustong ipahiwatig ng tandhana nuong araw na iyon ay hindi niya mawari. Binunton nalang niya ang inis sa Manong Driver na ngayo’y pinagdesisyonan na niyang tawaging “Zuma” ng dahil narin sa pagkakalbo ng buhok nito at sa mala-ahas na goodmorning towel na kahit minsan ay hindi pa yata naalis sa kanyang leeg.

Malungkot si Ana ng pumasok sa klase nuon at ng makaupo siya sa classroom ay kumuha ng papel at nagsimulang mag drawing ng kung anu ano. Hindi siya nakipagdaldalan katulad ng palagi niyang ginagawa bagkus ay nanahimik lang siya sa sulok at nag palimbo limbo lang sa kawalan. Wala siyang natutunan sa klase ng araw na iyon.

Alas tres ng madaling araw, nakailang ikot ulit siya sa kama. Ang minsang plantsadong bed cover eh para ng lupang kinalaykay ng manok. Dinaig na din niya ang lumpiang shangahi sa dami ng pag rolyo nito.

4am, dinampot niya ang isa sa mga librong nakakalat sa sahig. Hindi pa niya nabasa ang librong iyon. 300 hundred plus ang nakalagay sa price tag nito. Sa harapan ay may portrait ng isang dalagang babae na may mahabang buhok. Binili niya ang libro ng minsang madalaw siya sa National Bookstore sa SM Manila. Natuwa siya ng malamang kalahati ng photo credits ng libro ay para sa Prof. niya sa Humanities. Ang prof niyang hippie na nakikinig ng Sago, Cynthia Alexander at kung anu- ano pa. Ang salitang “cool” ay hindi sapat sa personalidad ng gurong ito. Mahahanap mo ang pangalan niya sa kahit anong tanyag na lifestyle magazine at siyempre sa diyaryo ng Manila Times. Kaibigan nito si Menchu Aquino Sarmiento, ang magaling na author ng libro.

Nung una niya yung tinangkang basahin ay napagod siya agad sa unang pahina palang. Hindi niya talaga kaya magbasa ng libro pag magulo ang utak niya. Dati, hindi niya pinipilit. Binababa na niya ang libro at binabaon sa limot. Alam niyang darating ang oras na dadamputin niya muli ang libro at babasahin. Naniniwala kasi siya na katulad ng tao, ang libro o album na mababasa at maririnig niya ay may ayon sa panahong dinadanas nya sa kasalukuyan. Dumating na ang araw na iyon.

Iba na siya kasi ngayon. Nabago na siya ng panahon. Hindi niya saktong masabing tumibay siya o humina, ang alam lang niya ay nabago siya. Kasabay ng pagbabago ay ang pagkagasgas ng pananaw niya sa mga bagay bagay lalong lalo na sa pag – ibig. Gasgas narin ang utak niya, at ang anu mang karagdagang gasgas ay hindi mo na mapapansin. Katulad nalang ng protractor niya nuong Grade 3.

Para yang sugat. Sa unang lagay mo ng alcohol ay mapapailing ka pa sa sobrang sakit., pero subukan mong lagyan ito ulit ay wala ka ng mararamdaman. Sundot sundutin mo man ay ganuon parin . Aantayin mo nalang ang sugat mag langib; titigas ang dugo, mangangamoy itlog, mangangati at pagkatapos ay gagaling narin.

Malutong pa ang cover ng libro, halatang hindi pa siya talaga nabubuklat. Nagmistulang roleta ang bawat pahina sa daliri niya. Page 84 ang bumulaga sa kanyang harapan na may kasama pang fanfare sound effect. Binasa niya ng walang pakundangan ang short story at sa huling pahina ay bumigay na at lumuha ng tuluyan.

Bumagsak ang libro sa sahig pati narin ang kanyang depensa…

“ In bed with Aenid, he pictured the Makati Girl as he usually did, even when he was with some other girl and felt a little weepy himself. Instead, he banged away even harder so that beneath him, Aenid arched her back, clawed and bit him. She wailed despairingly that she really loved him, no matter what happened. When it was over, he shut his eyes, trying to imagine what he would do if he had the Makati Girl with him instead of her best friend; how he would hold her, how she would look up at him as she lay in the crook of his arm. They would laugh about nearly nothing in that irrationally happy and secret way that only those who are very much in love do…Mostly they’d just kiss.”, p104, Daisy Nueve, Meditations of a Piss Artist, Menchu Aquino Sarmiento

self - preservation melancholia

2007-08-10T22:20:00.000-07:00

Jumping is easy. I jumped so many times in my life that jumping right now would just be a walk in the park. In fact, I'm so willing to jump all the time, it's kinda sickening already.

I never regret the jumps that I did in the past. But given the chance, I would sure do it differently. Just so I can save some for myself. Just so I can have my own leverage.

Because those jumps certainly did something to me or took away some parts of me. Parts that I don’t want to lose but did.

With jumping comes uncertainty. You can’t just jump and not gamble a part of who you are. It's not a game but you gamble.

I'm usually brave when it comes to stuffs like these. Those jumps in the past came in with a lot uncertainties but I chose to dive into it, thinking that it's worth the leap. Seeing all the damages it did to me made me think that it's not.

Those brave displays are just FUBAR. d'you hear me? F.U.B.A.R

If I jump now there's a good chance that I will lose what's left of me, that piece of me that I have been hanging on for the last two years. If I gamble that piece, I might totally lose who I am.

And that's what I am scared of.

I can't fold and I can't go all in.

I really really really want to jump. Hell, I'll jump in a heart beat because I think this time it would be different but then I realize that if it's really worth it and I think it is, IT CAN WAIT.

For now I just want to have my bearings and just be...

just be....

a letter...

2007-07-17T21:51:00.000-07:00

Hi Nay,

I guess you're probably wondering why I have'nt visited you in a long time. Siguro yung huling punta ko pa eh yung dinalaw kita para magpaalam na lilipat na ako ng ibang school. I went there again after a week and for some reason I just couldn’t find your grave. Ang palatandaad natin diba yung malaking puno? Pero for some reason, nilibot ko na lahat pabalikbalik hindi parin kita makita. Gumabi na kaya umuwi na ako.

I came into a conclusion that day that you didn’t want to see me. So I left. I guess you’re angry because I’m leaving another school again. But you know why I left that school right? There are phonies everywhere. I just can’t grow in a place where people measure other people’s worth by the kind of car they drive or how rich and beautiful they are. All my life you thought me what to value and what to cherish and you’ve seen how the system works in that school. People always spend time worrying about material and superficial stuff but if there’s one thing I learned from losing you is that those stuff don’t matter. And you know that I did try to fit into the mold but I just end up hurting someone along the way. It’s not the greatest feeling in the world when you know you hurt someone. I was depressed for a long time because of that. I know what it feels like to get hurt, napaka tanga ko naman kung gagawin ko yun sa iba. At naging tanga ako when I was in that school.

I always wanted to write you something. But every attempt just ends up writing an angry letter. I guess this time just wouldn’t be like the others. I guess you're probably wondering why am I in this situation again. I don’t know either. All I know is that this whole I’ll fix myself situation has been in a very long haul and maybe I just want to end it so I can go on with my life.

There are days that I just don’t know how to fix myself. Na parang I'm constantly asking if all of these things going on in my head will ever end. Nay, will it ever end?

Everyone says that I haven’t lived my life after I lost you. Even tatay says the same thing. Sinabi niya sakin last time na lahat ng problema ko sa buhay ko...sa mundo...is about losing you. Everything revolves around losing you.

Partly true...Pero one should ask if I want all of these inside me. The answer is NO. Nay, they just don’t know how hard it is. "Every girl deserves a mother". I heard that in a movie once. Hindi ko alam. I keep on playing those words in my head and I don’t know what to feel. I hate the fact that up until now, I still don’t know why I lost you.

Everything has a reason...everything has a reason...Asan? Losing you is still a big mystery to me. Nung bata pa ako palagi kong sinasabi bakit ikaw pa. Bakit tayo pa. Ang daming masasamang tao diyan pero bakit ikaw pa.

And our family is not really well. I mean we are okay but when you look at us, we really really miss you and we don’t know how to work our way around it. Everyday is a struggle. It's been seven years but everyday is still a struggle. Until now it's still hard for us to talk about you. kahit pag nagkukwento si tatay about you I still look the other way. Masakit pa din. Sobra. I keep asking myself why after all these years.

I'm still 2 semesters shy from graduation. At hindi ako nag enroll ngayon. I'm interning at PROBE right now pero hindi ako nag enroll. It has been my plan all along. After 5 years I want to support myself na with or without graduation. And Tatay is not really happy about it. I may or may not enroll next semester. I don’t know...We'll cross the bridge when we get there. But one thing is for sure, I just want to fix myself.

I just want to be done with this whole thing. You know how much I got hurt with Kuya's crap last year. Alam mo yun. I was trying to protect everybody from what he was doing and I was hurt na parang lumabas pa na I’m the bad guy. I'm the selfish person. I was angry...really really angry. I was blasting Story of the Year in my room and tatay wanted me to lower the volume of my stereo. He was shouting and I did’nt budge. You know how stubborn I can get when I'm angry. Tatay even told me once that the stuff I do scares him sometimes. And there was this one time that I destroyed one of Kuya's T-Shirt with a scissor, put it in a hanger and hang it outside my room for everybody to see. It was juvenile, I know. I just want everyone to know how I feel. You know how much I care about this family. Sometimes, I feel like I’m taking care of everyone and everything. And it's okay. Okay lang yun sakin. Everyone made a lot of sacrifices and that includes me pero to feel that way in return...After all of the things that I did for this family...after all that...ending up being the bad guy. Nakakawalang gana. It came to the point na wala na akong pakialam sa lahat.

On top of that there's this whole moving on thing that I couldn’t seem to do. You gotta let her go, everyone says. You gotta live your life, everyone says. You gotta finish college, everyone says. It's all about what everyone says. Everybody is itching to say their piece but no one really bothers to listen.

Everybody knows there’s something wrong but nobody knows what’s going on, you know…as Phantom Planet would say.

Nung bata pa ako, I can remember getting praises left and right. "You're good at dancing..you're good at swimming...maganda yung bunso ni lorna..blah blah. Hell, You're breeding me into this perfect kid. Sobrang pompous ko nung bata ako..alam mo yan. Grounded kasi you thought me how to be grounded pero nevertheless pompous na bata parin.

I listened to your voice tapes to tatay and you said on one of these tapes na I MADE YOU SUPER HAPPY everytime you come up on stage to hang something on my neck and I'm glad napasaya kita nung mga panahon nayon. For years, I've been dreading to listen to your voice tapes pero shit scared to hear something intimate since voice tapes mo yun para kay tatay. Whew..dont want to be scarred for life..HAHA. It was a different perspective. You were really an awesome mom. But that's the thing, nay. When I lost you… things just don’t feel good anymore. Loving myself after that feels like the hardest thing to do. There are days that I just can’t look at myself in the mirror. There are days that I don’t want people to see me. I think I spent the last couple of years hurting and destroying myself.

A friend of mine called the other day and we were talking about ME graduating. Gumadruate na sila, yung batch ko pero ako hindi pa. And my friend was talking about ME still having "my moment" pag nagmarcha na. And it's cool that my friend thinks about that..masaya ako nung sinabi nya yun. (Sometimes I think that I dont deserve my friends.) Pero hindi nayun importante sakin. I have had those moments before..marami na akong moments but the problem is that they don’t make me feel good anymore.

You know my all time problem diba? I just don’t know how lucky I am and I know I'm lucky. I DO. Pero nay, Luck is not just about that swerte situation. It's about FEELING it. If you don’t feel lucky then maybe you're not lucky at all. I know it’s stupid but that’s how I feel. I keep on stuffing these achievements inside me and they just disappear. It felt good for a while but they just don’t have a lasting impression on me. They always die inside and I always feel like a shit, for some unknown reason that I’m trying to figure out now. It's like trying to put the whole ocean in a small bucket, it's impossible.

Things just don’t burn and give light and I'm always in the dark and I can never seem to move on. I never "lived" my life and I'm stuck with these, All of these. I always think that I'm a better person if you're around and now that you're gone…I feel like I can never be that great version of me. I wonder if I'll ever get to fix myself.

Alam mo yung feeling na when something is so great and real you just want to play it over and over again in your head until it replace every rotten feeling inside you and because the feeling is long lasting, you just want to excel more and do more things and live your life to the fullest?

I would love to do that soon...

I want something genuine. I want something sincere. I don’t want to be like those people who only excel on things just so they can have something to brag about. I want to be able to excel and do great things because I feel the same way inside. Na parang gusto mong pantayan o bayaran yung magandang nararamdaman mo. I want to do great things!. I want to help people…I want to make a difference. I want to do something that matters. Hindi yung driven na tao na, all the success is just for the sake of being successful. I don’t want to be that kind of person. I don’t want to be superficial and I don’t want to be materialistic.

anung Moral Fiber?!?

2007-07-07T18:34:00.000-07:00

WHO HURT YOU? WHO MADE YOU THIS WAY?

Yan ang tanong ni Dustin Hoffman kay Rachel Weisz sa pelikulang Runaway Jury.

Pagdating kaya sa langit itatanong sa atin ni God yuon?

How will God judge us?

Will God punish me from unwrapping those batterries at Uniwide?

I was 7 years old that time....

So, I went to get my NBI Clearance yesterday on my own. It was Friday and the traffic was ridiculous. The roads here in Quezon City were not a help either. You can't really get from point A to point B here without being hassled by the roads. Especially that Almar- Nova Bayan route. Repair, my ass. They should have done that during the summer.

Finding the NBI building at Carriedo was horrible. I've been there before...a hundred times. I always go there with my Tita Ellen everytime she buys something for her sari sari store. All I know is that cedulas are sold in front of the building. I thought it was weird but I never asked my tita about it.

Alam mo naman mga Pinoy, We will sell anything we can get our hands on....

It was only yesterday that I realized that it was the same building.

Sa taas lang pala. WTF, Mecky!

the irony is that, there are alot of police upstairs while people downstairs sell stuffs without giving receipts. Tsk Tsk Tsk...Our culture really astounds me...Hehehe...I wonder if we'll ever change.

So I went inside. i felt like I was inisde the Shindler's list movie and were all Jews being wiped out by the Nazi's. I knew that I wasn't in for a treat.There were hundreds of people everywhere. 95 percent of which dont know how to say "excuse me", which really really annoyed me by the way. People just kept on bumping at each other and were angry about it.

All it takes is to say EXCUSE ME...How hard can it be?

I'm not patient when it comes to falling in line. I'm only patient when it comes to falling in love, but falling in line? Urggghhhhh...

I think the last time that I was in a very very long line was back in 1995 where NFA rice was scarce and people needed to fall in line just so they can put something decent in their rice cookers.

I think I was there for three hours.

The lines snaked in a loop like a fucking longganisa. I just pretended that I was inside Enchanted Kingdom and that I have to suck it up for the rides.

Step 3 is called the QUICK SEARCH. It is where those NBI people type your name in their data base to see if you have committed a crime or something illegal. The problem is, if you a similar name with those in their data base, then they will put the word "HIT" in your clearance which only means that you get to wait for hours just to get it. I just made a bet to myself the moment I got my turn. If I get a hit, I'll buy mself some ice cream.

HIT ME, BABY...HIT ME!!!!!

I perused into my application form the moment I got it..fingers crossed.

ROCKY ROAD....ROOOOOCCKKKKKKKKY ROOOOOOOAAD!!!!

Ice cream in exchange for my moral fiber...HAHA NOOOOOOO..... NO HIT...How unfortunate...lolz

Sayang! I just thought it would be cool.

That would be a classic!!!

A law offender with the same name...that's priceless!

In the club...

2007-06-29T23:54:00.000-07:00

Ang buhay natin ay parang isang sikat na club sa New York.

Sa labas ay may mahabang pila ng mga taong gustong pumasok.

Hindi lahat ng tao sa pila ay makakapasok sa club…

May ibang makakapasok at mageenjoy…

Ang iba ay mabilis na makakapasok pero mabilis di’ng lalabas….

Ang iba ay maghihintay ng matagal sa labas ng pila ….

May ilang kahit kaylan ay hindi makakapsok sa loob.

Hanggat maari gusto ko makapasok ang lahat sa club. But If everyone will just take away a piece of me and will just leave me alone. Parang ayoko na yata.

Minsan kasi sobrang daming tanong. “bakit ganito?” O “bakit ganyan?”.

Maybe Love is just a Heroe’s Trial…

You know, something that will make you a better person.

Maybe Love is not about ending up with the person that you love.

I just kin’da felt like, I lost more of what I gained from loving.

And I’m not sure if what I “gained” out of the whole thing is an enough reason for me to let go of that part of me that I just lost.

It’s really unfortunate because I may not be the same passionate and noble person when it comes to love anymore and it will suck if the right person comes along.

Wala na..

Wala na siyang mapapala sakin because I just gave everything to that someone, now I have nothing else to give.

So much for that fucking line that Cameron Crowe said in one of his interviews.

“I am a Warrior of Love”

What the fuck does that mean?

Is it corollary with Pat Benatar’s LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD?

I’d say, Mecky is already wounded from the battle. Haha

5 books that changed my life...

2007-06-29T00:22:00.000-07:00

There are two motives for reading a book:

one, that you enjoy it;

the other, that you can boast about it.

- Bertrand Russell

1. The Family, Mario Puzo- Isa sa mga kauna-unahang librong natapos kong basahin ng isang upuan. Love the setting, love the characters and I love the twists. It’s about a family in Italy na naging Pope yung dad nila. That time kasi ang papal family ang may power so there’s a lot of conquering and battles going on sa plot. The story is basically about how power and greatness can make and break a family at the same time. It’s one of those books na nabasa ko na ng ilang beses. I like it when a book or a movie, play with my emotions. Halo halo dito sa book na to, may love, lust, betrayal, mystery, conspiracy, even INCEST. Haha! Pati mga tao sa history kasali dito. Andito si Machiavelli pati si Rene’ Descartes andito din at tumulong siya sa pag gawa ng battle strategies ng Vatican. Mostly, family stuff ang natutunan ko dito sa book na to.

2.The Best Laid Plans, Sidney Sheldon- Another book na nabasa ko ng paulit ulit, and in one sitting lang din kasi there’s no dull moment with the story. There’s nothing cooler than female angst. Hehe. Revenge ang core ng story nito. It’s about a girl na namatay yung mom niya and yung dad niya iniwan sila so she ends up being this perfect woman on the outside but dying on the inside. She gets everything she wants pero no one really bothers to really get to know her. She met this guy and they eventually plan to get married pero all of a sudden, the guy broke up with her tapos nalaman niya na the guy is engaged na pala sa anak ng isang politiko. The guy eventually entered politics and became president of the United States while she end up owning one of the biggest newspaper in the US which she later used to destroy his ex finacee’ na president na nga. Gusto ko dito yung way kung panu pinasok yung politics and war sa story without spoiling yung core which is about love and revenge. Naiyak ako dito nung iniwan siya nung guy kasi she has a very strong personality and it's hard for her to be in a relationship kasi most of the time guys are intimated sa kanya. She’s a very strong woman but she allowed the love for this guy to soften her, yun nga lang after she did that, the guy screwed her. Don’t you hate it when it happens? Haha.

3. The Catcher in the Rye, J.D Salinger- Nabasa ko na yung Franny and Zooey ni J.D but I like this one better. Si Holden yung dream Kuya ko eh. I love his character but of course without his suicidal tendencies. Haha. I always find it attractive in a guy when he’s in touch with his deep emotions. Ayoko yung guy na uber in touch sa musculinity to the point na para na siyang isang brute. As in yung parang brute sa Yuri’s Revenge. Haha. Ayoko yung character na mababaw na lalake sa libro at pati sa tunay na buhay. Aus! Hehe. The story, I can relate especially the part where he hate his school, Pencey Prep kasi maraming phonies. The story is basically finding out who you are on your own. Sa story na to maraming gustong tumulong sa kanya like yung History Professor niya, Si phoebe etc. pero he decided to find himself on his own. I love his bonding moments with his sister, phoebe. Maraming funny parts which blend well with the story’s serious tone. Katulad nalang nung may na meet siya na pimp sa elevator. Haha. Medyo informal yung writing kasi yun nga si Holden yung nagkukwento. The book is deep tsaka detached siya from everything na mababaw sa mundo na to. Hell, I’ll bring this book in my grave. Haha.

4.The Looked After Kid, Paolo Hewitt- This book is so similar with The Catcher in the Rye. Sobrang daming reviews nito which say the same thing. I recommend you read Catcher first and then you read this one. Same tone, same deep thoughts from the character. It’s autobiographical, by the way so buhay ni paolo to. If memory serves I think he’s now a DJ in a radio station. The book is about a boy who was left early in a group home. May mental problems kasi yung mom niya so right after siya pinangalak pinaampon na siya agad. He was adopted by this creepy woman he calls Mrs. K na sinasaktan siya and all. Yung tipong matanda na pati bata eh pinapatulan. He was deprived of his family. Eventually napunta siya sa isang bahay ampunan with better people around him. He had friends at meron din siyang bully. His adventures with his friends remind me of the movie Stand By Me, with the oh so cute young Jerry O’Connel. Haha. Parang Tom Sawyer ang Huckleberry Finn ang mga adventures pero may halong Holden Caulfield. Favorite ko dito yung tinuruan siya ng friend niya ng trick kapag wala silang supply ng sigarilyo. The trick was to light matches and inhale the smoke. So they end up smoking matches. Haha. The only downer is that you can get sick and will eventually die from inhaling sulphur. Maraming soldiers ang namatay back in World War 1 from the sulphur in their guns. Tapos pati yung mga first sexual urges and experiences niya sobrang similar with Holden. The book is really emotional. It’s again, about finding who you are without any outside help. It’s about not letting go of your dreams even if your surrounding is messed up and even if it’s so fucking hard to go on your own. Ramdam mo sa libro yung pakiramdam niya na mag-isa lang siya. Walang nanay, walang tatay, walang pamilya. He later met his sisters and his mom. Binibisita niya yun sa ospital.

5. (Tie) Dream Catcher, Margaret Salinger- What’s it like to be the daughter of one of the greatest writers in the world? Well, this book will tell you what’s it like. Having read some of J.D’s books na enjoy ko basahin tong libro na to from her daughter’s perspective. Sobrang love ko tong libro na to kasi pinaliwanag ni Margaret dito yung buhay niya at ng tatay niya. Sinabi niya kung anu ano yung mga nangyayari sa pamilya niya at kung pano nito naimpuwensiyahan yung pag sulat ng dad niya ng The Cather in the Rye at Franny and Zooey etc. No dull moments with the book. It’s like an inside tour of J.D Salinger’s brain. Marami akong natutunan dito especially when it comes to Father and Daughter relationship. Ibang klase kasi yung bonding ni J.D at ni Margaret dito eh. Pinakita niya kung papano nagbabago ang relationship niya with his dad nung bata pa siya at nung tumanda na siya. Pinakita din niya yung epekto ng mga novels ng dad niya sa buhay niya.

5. (Tie) Life with Picasso, Francoise Marie Gilot- I think I’m more familiar with Picasso’s painting more than any other painters out there. I used to collect pa JPEG images of his paintings in my PC before. Reading this book was really a blast. Picasso is a firecracker, everything you can expect from a painter. This book is written by Francoise. Isa siya sa mga babae ni Picasso. Bata pa siya nung nagkilala sila. She’s like 25 or something when she met the super old Pablo Picasso. Haha. She’s this rookie painter na nameet ni Picasso sa isang restaurant. He was very interested in her when they met, eventually they had an affair at nagkaanak. . Ang weird nga ng relationships ni Picasso sa mga babae niya eh. I think may apat siyang babae dito sa libro na to. What’s amazing about this book is that it has a movie counterpart. With the same title, I think. No, I think it's called "Surviving Picasso". I saw it on cable once. Julianne Moore played Dora Maar exquisitely just like how I imagined her character in my mind. She’s Picasso’s first or second wife. I’m not sure dami kasi babae eh. Anthony Hopkins played Picasso in the movie. It’s so amazing because they look so much alike. Yung mukha, yung built ng katawan pati yung height. I like the part in the book nung nagaway si Picasso tsaka yung anak niya na lalake. His son is a writer. Habang nagaaway sila, Picasso explained yung difference ng isang writer sa isang painter. I forgot that beautiful line parang he said that writers are more emotional or something. Nakalimutan ko na. Francoise is very loyal, you can see in the book that she has a sense of loyalty for Picasso na kahit madaming babae at kahit super moody and uptight si Picasso, eh she still loves him. Sobrang naaliw ako sa relationship nilang dalawa kasi sobrang bata pa ni Francoise, hell..Picasso could pass for his grandpa and yet there’s something sensual about the two of them. It makes me wonder if she really fell in love with Picasso as a whole or with his talent. Hay, it reminds me of John Legend’s song, Stereo. The book is so passionate about art and very inspiring in general. I suggest you read the book and look at his paintings. It will tell you why he painted this and that.

And thank you Mr. Russell for your noble prize kissing harsh words....lolz

just sharing...

2007-06-25T20:50:00.000-07:00

I think it's fair to say that I love his paintings more than his music. I like the lyrics of his songs more than the genre of the music that he creates. Back when the Columbine Massacre happened, I was, I think in high school and being the kid whose life hangs into the music that I listen to everyday, I hate it when people blame music for all the violence that is happening in the world today. I used to read stuffs and researched about the whole thing and I was fascinated and torn at the same time. The only real written stuffs about the whole Columbine thing came from this guy.He became one of the writers that I adored since then.

and this is one of my all time favorite essays...

I DON'T LIKE THE MEDIA, BUT THE MEDIA LIKES ME

It is sad to think that the first few people on earth needed no books, movies, games or music to inspire cold-blooded murder. The day that Cain bashed his brother Abel's brains in, the only motivation he needed was his own human disposition to violence. Whether you interpret the Bible as literature or as the final word of whatever God may be, Christianity has given us an image of death and sexuality that we have based our culture around. A half-naked dead man hangs in most homes and around our necks, and we have just taken that for granted all our lives. Is it a symbol of hope or hopelessness? The world's most famous murder-suicide was also the birth of the death icon -- the blueprint for celebrity. Unfortunately, for all of their inspiring morality, nowhere in the Gospels is intelligence praised as a virtue. A lot of people forget or never realize that I started my band as a criticism of these very issues of despair and hypocrisy. The name Marilyn Manson has never celebrated the sad fact that America puts killers on the cover of Time magazine, giving them as much notoriety as our favorite movie stars. From Jesse James to Charles Manson, the media, since their inception, have turned criminals into folk heroes. They just created two new ones when they plastered those dipshits Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris' pictures on the front of every newspaper. Don't be surprised if every kid who gets pushed around has two new idols.

We applaud the creation of a bomb whose sole purpose is to destroy all of mankind, and we grow up watching our president's brains splattered all over Texas. Times have not become more violent. They have just become more televised. Does anyone think the Civil War was the least bit civil? If television had existed, you could be sure they would have been there to cover it, or maybe even participate in it, like their violent car chase of Princess Di. Disgusting vultures looking for corpses, exploiting, fucking, filming and serving it up for our hungry appetites in a gluttonous display of endless human stupidity.

When it comes down to who's to blame for the high school murders in Littleton, Colorado, throw a rock and you'll hit someone who's guilty. We're the people who sit back and tolerate children owning guns, and we're the ones who tune in and watch the up-to-the-minute details of what they do with them. I think it's terrible when anyone dies, especially if it is someone you know and love. But what is more offensive is that when these tragedies happen, most people don't really care any more than they would about the season finale of Friends or The Real World. I was dumbfounded as I watched the media snake right in, not missing a teardrop, interviewing the parents of dead children, televising the funerals. Then came the witch hunt.

Man's greatest fear is chaos. It was unthinkable that these kids did not have a simple black-and-white reason for their actions. And so a scapegoat was needed.

I remember hearing the initial reports from Littleton, that Harris and Klebold were wearing makeup and were dressed like Marilyn Manson, whom they obviously must worship, since they were dressed in black. Of course, speculation snowballed into making me the poster boy for everything that is bad in the world. These two idiots weren't wearing makeup, and they weren't dressed like me or like goths. Since Middle America has not heard of the music they did listen to (KMFDM and Rammstein, among others), the media picked something they thought was similar.

Responsible journalists have reported with less publicity that Harris and Klebold were not Marilyn Manson fans -- that they even disliked my music. Even if they were fans, that gives them no excuse, nor does it mean that music is to blame. Did we look for James Huberty's inspiration when he gunned down people at McDonald's? What did Timothy McVeigh like to watch? What about David Koresh, Jim Jones? Do you think entertainment inspired Kip Kinkel, or should we blame the fact that his father bought him the guns he used in the Springfield, Oregon, murders? What inspires Bill Clinton to blow people up in Kosovo? Was it something that Monica Lewinsky said to him? Isn't killing just killing, regardless if it's in Vietnam or Jonesboro, Arkansas? Why do we justify one, just because it seems to be for the right reasons? Should there ever be a right reason? If a kid is old enough to drive a car or buy a gun, isn't he old enough to be held personally responsible for what he does with his car or gun? Or if he's a teenager, should someone else be blamed because he isn't as enlightened as an eighteen-year-old?

America loves to find an icon to hang its guilt on. But, admittedly, I have assumed the role of Antichrist; I am the Nineties voice of individuality, and people tend to associate anyone who looks and behaves differently with illegal or immoral activity. Deep down, most adults hate people who go against the grain. It's comical that people are naive enough to have forgotten Elvis, Jim Morrison and Ozzy so quickly. All of them were subjected to the same age-old arguments, scrutiny and prejudice. I wrote a song called "Lunchbox," and some journalists have interpreted it as a song about guns. Ironically, the song is about being picked on and fighting back with my Kiss lunch box, which I used as a weapon on the playground. In 1979, metal lunch boxes were banned because they were considered dangerous weapons in the hands of delinquents. I also wrote a song called "Get Your Gunn." The title is spelled with two n's because the song was a reaction to the murder of Dr. David Gunn, who was killed in Florida by pro-life activists while I was living there. That was the ultimate hypocrisy I witnessed growing up: that these people killed someone in the name of being "pro-life."

The somewhat positive messages of these songs are usually the ones that sensationalists misinterpret as promoting the very things I am decrying. Right now, everyone is thinking of how they can prevent things like Littleton. How do you prevent AIDS, world war, depression, car crashes? We live in a free country, but with that freedom there is a burden of personal responsibility. Rather than teaching a child what is moral and immoral, right and wrong, we first and foremost can establish what the laws that govern us are. You can always escape hell by not believing in it, but you cannot escape death and you cannot escape prison.

It is no wonder that kids are growing up more cynical; they have a lot of information in front of them. They can see that they are living in a world that's made of bullshit.

In the past, there was always the idea that you could turn and run and start something better. But now America has become one big mall, and because of the Internet and all of the technology we have, there's nowhere to run. People are the same everywhere. Sometimes music, movies and books are the only things that let us feel like someone else feels like we do. I've always tried to let people know it's OK, or better, if you don't fit into the program. Use your imagination -- if some geek from Ohio can become something, why can't anyone else with the willpower and creativity?

I chose not to jump into the media frenzy and defend myself, though I was begged to be on every single TV show in existence. I didn't want to contribute to these fame-seeking journalists and opportunists looking to fill their churches or to get elected because of their self-righteous finger-pointing. They want to blame entertainment? Isn't religion the first real entertainment? People dress up in costumes, sing songs and dedicate themselves in eternal fandom. Everyone will agree that nothing was more entertaining than Clinton shooting off his prick and then his bombs in true political form. And the news -- that's obvious. So is entertainment to blame? I'd like media commentators to ask themselves, because their coverage of the event was some of the most gruesome entertainment any of us have seen.

I think that the National Rifle Association is far too powerful to take on, so most people choose Doom, The Basketball Diaries or yours truly. This kind of controversy does not help me sell records or tickets, and I wouldn't want it to. I'm a controversial artist, one who dares to have an opinion and bothers to create music and videos that challenge people's ideas in a world that is watered-down and hollow. In my work I examine the America we live in, and I've always tried to show people that the devil we blame our atrocities on is really just each one of us. So don't expect the end of the world to come one day out of the blue -- it's been happening every day for a long time.

MARILYN MANSON (May 28, 1999)

poem for the coolest guy on earth....

2007-06-02T00:20:00.000-07:00

Who are you stranger?
By Michelle Mae Bravo Simplicio

I
Who are you stranger?
You feel so familiar to me
Every time I watch those movies..
You’re the guy I always see

II
Who are you stranger?
I’ve been with you before
This time you felt so different..
I was excited and wanted more

III
Who are you stranger?
Why are you always there?
This thing they call connection..
We do it so goddamn well

IV
Who are you stranger?
Why are we here?
I want you to lay here beside me..
I want to know how you feel

V
Who are you stranger?
I really want to be with you
It’s not like I want you to love me..
I just want our “thing” to push through

VI
Who are you stranger?
Is fate really our friend?
The years it kept us together
Is tonight really our end?

ako'y tutula...

2007-06-01T23:17:00.000-07:00

"DURITZ"

ni Michelle Mae Bravo Simplicio

mabagal ang patak ng ulan

pero mabilis ang pagdaloy ng alaala

madilim sa labas..

gayun din sa aking silid

mabuti pa ang lampara..

maliwanag

mabuti pa si Will Ferelle..

masaya sa tv

samantalang ako...

OOOPS...

alas singko na pla ng umaga..

patayin na ang tv..

susubukan kong pumikit..

habang dinuduyan ng

malungkot na boses ni Adam...

There's something about him...

2007-05-25T00:09:00.000-07:00

It’s already four in the morning and I am still awake. This weather really suits me well. I feel so relaxed. I like it when it’s raining. It makes the world feel less viscious.

The reason why I am still awake is because I started reading my diary last night. See, I used to be a compulsive writer when I was in my first year of college in PLM. That was the time that I can’t go on with my days without writing anything in my journal. I think the journal ended two months after I enrolled at The Manila Times.

My theory is that something died in me during the process and so one day I just put my pen down and just didn’t care about writing in that journal. I kept it inside this black box with this peculiar drawing of a Lotus. I drew that Lotus using a 2-year-old liquid marker. There’s something about Lotuses that I like or maybe it’s just an afterthought of being an Incubus fan. Anyway, I kept the box inside my drawer and I locked it for years. For some reason last night I had the courage to pick up the key under my angel figurine and opened that drawer.

Then I started reading about my past…

Everything inside it is a complete 180 of the song “In this Diary”. There were so many painful things inside it that I actually forced myself through the pages. Although some were funny to read, some were just too painful to even digest. It’s a very lonely and angry journal. Reading about it felt like going through everything all over again and the tears in my eyes made me feel like I haven’t recovered from what happened.

I wanted to burn it right that moment until this person’s name kept on appearing.

There were these redeeming pages that really struck me the most. Pages about this person who has been there for me all the time. He was there when I was sad. He was there to talk to me every time I was down, He was always there to make me laugh and he never forgets my birthday. I always thought this guy and I connected very well.

I was smiling after reading that journal, A little teary – eyed but smiling. ; )

There’s something about those pages that made the rest of the journal worth reading…

There’s something about that person that made the past worth going through…

That person is still a part of my life right now… ;p

fool indeed...

2007-05-20T00:30:00.000-07:00

“8 MARKS OF A FOOL”

I was really skeptical when I first heard from my professor that we are going to listen an audio file from a guy called “Ed Lapiz”. There’s something about listening to other people who express their ideas and get all preachy about it that makes me really uncomfortable…But nevertheless, I was curious and open with what I was about to hear that day. My professor said that it would be very helpful to us so I set my beliefs and principles aside for awhile and listened.

The first question that I asked myself was that “AM I A FOOL?” Somewhere in the middle of Mr. Ed Lapiz’s speech that I came to realize that I encompass at least three marks. I wasn’t surprised at all because I know that I’m not perfect but what shocked me the most was how those three marks hit and smacked me into consciousness. I’ve never been in that state for a very long time. To be conscious about what I do and the consequences that come with it is something that I have taken for granted for months now.

I still think that I’m running in circles
not because I don’t know where to go and the right thing to do but rather
because I enjoy the haze of wasting my time by just running around and not do
something significant in my life.

FOOLS ARE COMPLACENT according Mr. Lapiz. This one really hit me the most. I came across a time in my life where I realize that everything that matters to me doesn’t matter to most of the people that I hold dear. Worried of how that disappointment could change me, I simply hide into the reasoning of “SO WHAT? IT DOESN’T MATTER ANYWAY”

That reason made me complacent. I made it as an excuse not to excel on the things that I do because for me, it doesn’t matter to other people. It ate away the passion that I have on the things that I love to do…

So I guess that makes me a fool…right?

SMITTEN BY A STRANGER

2007-04-22T07:03:00.000-07:00

This single life is not bad at all….

I have all the time in the world for myself…

I don’t have to get up every time the phone rings because it’s never for me anyway….

I don’t have to charge my phone all the time because I really don’t use it anymore…

No special person to text…No sweet nothings to say…. No good nights…No I love you’s

Just me…

Just here….

Lying….

Crying….

Praying…

Hoping….

WAITING…

When can I see him again?

When can I touch him again?

Oh God! When will I hear his guitar again?

I saw someone last month. I thought it was you. He was sporting a very long hair kind’a similar to yours and he has that same way of playing with his hair similar with what you do all the time.

The moment the jeepney stopped at Philcoa, he automatically caught my attention. My eyes were fixed like a tiger ready to attack a gazelle. He went inside the jeep and sat beside me.

I easily noticed his T-Shirt and it says “GYM CLASS HEROES”.

Do you know how much I love their songs?

He was wearing worn out jeans and a pair dirty old sneakers…

It looks old and dirty from a far but when you stare at it, it’s actually new.

God! Please don’t let me fall for a stranger….

He turned his back, pulled his arm away from the window and pulled out a hand out. He started reading all these math shits..

.... while I started to come up with ways not to cry.

He really reminds me of you…

--and I bet he’s good at math too just like you too!

The wind was fucking up his hair but he doesn’t care.

Just like how you don’t’ care about yours…

He kept running his fingers through his hair only to find out that it will still fall on the same place when his fingers leave his head.

God! A split image of my best friend and the love of my life…

I was staring up in the sky just so the tears won’t fall.

I was pretending to be sleepy so the other passengers would just think that when they see my eyes.

It was the longest and saddest jeepney ride of my life.

Who would have thought that even strangers could hurt you… : (

I think James Blunt’s BEAUTIFUL is not a song about a guy who sees a very beautiful girl walking in the street and was sad because he knew that he could never get a girl as gorgeous as that…

I think it is about a guy who sees the person that he loves in a stranger …

…and he is sad because he knows that he could never get that stranger just like the person that he loves…

WEIRD OLD MAN...

2007-04-19T06:47:00.000-07:00

A few years ago I managed to score a collection of Silverchair’s videos. I was watching it the other day in my dad’s room. It was a Saturday Night Live performance and Daniels was singing “Tomorrow” when all of a sudden my dad came out of his bathroom and started singing the song while he swipes old spice into his armpits.

Almost close to laughing, I just gave him a weird look. He kept watching the band play and I remember him saying “bata pa sila diyan ah” and “ simple lang preo magaling”. It was so funny.

It was kind’a weird though, because Silverchair is not really, you know… of his generation haha! SABBATH is of his generation, Silverchair is my generation so it feels weird.

Cool but weird.

I bet he only knows that one song…or probably Israel’s son too. But not the new songs… he can never know the new songs. Haha

Well I guess it figures …the song was from their first album. I think frogstomp was released somewhere between 1992 or 1994. But still…it’s my time, my generation, my music.

I guess I just feel territorial with the sound of my generation....

Imagine your mom singing “fergilicious”...

wouldn’t that be a sight?. lolz

Maybe I just feel cheated because I don’t know that he knows the band or the song, that’s why I find it weird. Siguro ganun din ung nararamdaman nya when I listen to some of his favorite bands. I never overdid it naman. I mean, I don’t like Pink Floyd or Iron Maiden.

Him listening to Smashing Pumpkin and Oasis is not weird for me but Silverchair??? It’s just weird…

Hey, maybe I could tell him that Daniels is married to Natalie Imbruglia…maybe he knows her too..

HAHA!

just a draft, wrote it along time ago..it's funny

2007-03-20T02:53:00.000-07:00

I'm getting used to having this band aid on my finger, feeling ko eh ako si Ben Folds. Yun nga lang kaya ako may band aid eh hindi dahil sa kaka piano kundi sa kakalinis ng sahig d2 sa bahay. Sahig, Piano...hmmm...let's just pretend na wala silang pinagkaiba...

I just found out that my family consumes about 8 gloves of lettuce a week. Wala lang sadya lang siyang masarap...pwede gawing salad, palaman sa tinapay...etc

pero wala paring tatalo sa Ginataang Langka at Laeng...kung magluluto kayo ng laeng, siguraduhin nyo munang ibilad sa araw...iakyat nyo sa bubong nyo kung kinakailangan para hindi makati!!! At wag nyo masyadong lagyan ng hibi at baguong...nako...magbabalat dila nyo nyan...

Never buy Nestle's Yogurt because it tastes like crap. I'm turning into a yogurt expert now...masarap yung Strawberry flavor na yogurt drink pero yung ibang flavors like manggo and apple eh "medyo medyo lang" HAHA...If you want to eat a delicious yogurt bumili ka nalang ng imported, nasa sm grocery DAIRY SECTION lang siya...the best yung YOPLAIT...eh d namn siya mahal...masarap promise...hindi cya maasim ka2lad ng nestle'. Pag naka bili ka na ng nestle lagay mo nalang sa mukha mo...

Addict na ako sa water melon...lalong lalo na ung sa Congo Grill...it's the best..
Kaya bumili kami ng water melon sa SM...hindi naman sila nakahati so pano namin malalaman kung pwede na siya kainin...sinabi ni erpatz dun sa lalaki "Bosing, pano ba namin malalaman kung hinog na siya", ngumiti lang yung lalaki kasi hindi nya din alam...So kumuha nalang ako ng pinakamalaki at itinago ko siya sa loob ng aking t shirt...nah..just kidding...hindi ko pa siya kinakain...pero binili ko yun para madagdagan ang points sa aking SM ADVANTAGE CARD...teka ..pwede kaya siyang gamitin kahit pag manunuod ako ng sine..?

Pag napadaan kayo sa greenhills, make sure to eat at Luk Yuen. Never order KING DAO NOODLES..king dao sucks...eew...pinagsisihan ko yan last sunday...try their braise beef noodles...may dalawang syang uri pero mas piliin nyo yung nakahiwalay yung sauce sa pasta...makakalimutan nyo ang Chow King and not to mention mga good looking ang mga tao dun...

oh my god!

2007-02-19T15:47:00.000-08:00

can i keep him? please.....

SAMUT’SARING SANA ni mecky sa araw ng mga puso

2007-02-14T06:40:00.000-08:00

Sana ang utak ay meron nalang velcro sa likod na pwede mong tanggalin sa ulo mo kapag magulo na ang lahat at ibalik nalang ulit kung kailangan mo ng gamitin sa mas importanteng bagay katulad ng pag solve ng x + 4x + 3x 4y.

Sana bago pa tayo isinilang sa mundong ito ay sinabi na ng diyos “ANAK, ETO ANG BAND AID AT BETADINE” panglaban sa sugat at psakit na ibibigay sayo ng buhay at ng mundo.

Sana tinanong muna nya tayo kung gusto ba nating isilang sa mundo. Sana may video tape munang ipinakita at pagnagustuhan natin ang nakita ay saka palang tayo mabubuo sa pwerta ng ating mga nanay.

Sana pwede munang pindutin ang “inquiry” para malaman kung masaya ba mabuhay sa mundo o hindi na parang ATM Machine.

Sana ang puso eh para nalang switch ng ilaw na pwedeng I- ON at I-OFF para hindi nalang tayo nagaaksaya ng liwanag sa mga taong wala namang kwenta.

Sana ang puso ay para nalang banyo na pwede mong lagyan ng “UNDER RE-CONSTRUCTION” pag nasira.

Sana pag may dumating na tao sa buhay natin ay hindi nalang “ano ang pangalan mo?” o “san ka nakatira?” ang mga tanong na kaylangan sabihin kundi “State your purpose: Business or Pleasure?” o di kaya “sasaktan mo ba ako o mamahalin?”

Sana bago pa tayo isinilang sa mundo na ito eh binigyan na tayo ng diyos ng listahan ng mga taong mangiiwan satin para pwede natin sila iwasan.

“Eto si Pedring, magiging kayo pero iiwan ka nya pag na ka score na siya, Eto si Ramon, magiging kayo pero panakip butas ka lang kasi lalaki talga ang gusto niya, Eto naman si Mario, mabubuntis ka niya pero lilipad na siya sa Estados Unidos, Eto si naman si Benedict, mamahalin ka niya ang kaso marami kayong mahal niya….”

Sana kahit papaano ay may warning “Anak, makikilala mo si ganito, wag mo siya masyadong mahalin dahil iiwan ka nya 4 na araw mula ng ika 20th ng bday mo?” or “magmahal ka anak, pero wag masyado”.

Sana ang luha ay pwede nating inumin para hindi ito masayang pag pumapatak na ito sa ating mga unan o di naman kaya maging ginto na pwedeng tubusin sa Tambunting Pawnshop.

Sana ang mga effort at pagmamahal na ibibigay natin ay pwedeng I-reimburse pag natapos na ang relationship.

Sana ang puso at ang relationship ay mayroong insurance.

Sana lahat nalang ng tao na nagmahal at nasaktan ay mabigyan ng tsekeng naglalaman ng isang milyong piso para makapagsimula ulit ng panibagong buhay.

you're cramping my style!

2007-02-08T17:43:00.000-08:00

I'm at the point in my life right now where you can strip away everything from me and I wouldn't care...kahit mawala pa lahat ng luho ko wala akong pakialam. Alot of people are hurrying me up. minamadali nila ako to make that transition at sa totoo lang naiinis na talga ako. Everyone is into "having everything" and they always bust my chops because i dont think that way. It's not about mediocrity. I never settle for mediocrity when I know I can do something grand sa isang bagay. I believe that I've been complacent all along. Complaceny po iyon.

But for the heck of it, I'm doing something right now that will hopefully pacify all the things that i keep on hearing from my dad and everyone else in the family. Minsan tanong ko, how come we see the world differently when we all have that same fucked up experience na nagdisakaril sa lahat ng pag asa at pagtingin namin sa buhay, why do we see the world differently when we lost the same person na key element sa pagkatao namin...sa buhay namin. Fuck, I just want everyone to leave me alone. Ang dami dami nila kaylangan sakin. Alam ko baka i'm being strubborn pero fuck why can't everyone just let me be myself! Why cant they just let me be who I am and then I'll work from there. Ayoko matulad sa mga tao na saksakan ng successful pero hindi naman nila kilala yung sarili nila. At the end of the day, kahit anung dunong mo...anong yaman mo...baliwala din un lahat.

Bata palang ako, I never doubted my future.

and I'm working on my future...but how come when I do something unconventional and unorthodox, my dad and the rest of his legions (my family) are always quick to pull the trigger on me. Sometimes I don't want to hang around with them anymore because I feel like they dont know me. Alam mo yung feeling na just as long as that one person who means alot to you knows who you are...knows how great you are, wala ka ng pakialam kung hindi ka kilala ng lahat, wala ka ng pakialam sa iisipin at sasabihin ng iba? I miss that feeling. Nino left and I lost that feeling...I'm in fucking shambles...D'bale i know who I am, i told myself before but somehow...knowing myself...knowing who I am is still not enough....I know my family loves me but some things that they say are not helping. I just want people to respect my time table...my decisions at ang mga diskarte ko sa buhay. Just like how I respect theirs...

PLEASE JUST LET ME DO MY SHIT....

One of my goals is to be on top... to have it all para lang masampal ko sa mukha ng mga tao na "hey, I'm up here!" But when I'm already there, I will show everyone how much I don't care being there because what I am cannot be measured by the number of money I make or how many cars I have etc.

JOHN CLASKY:That's not the thing. That's not the problem. I worked at a restaurant in New York that had four stars. It was like a line formed to become an asshole. People's accents changed. The heart went out of the place.You understand? I don't know what to root for. The thought of one star gets me nauseous... but with four, there's no place to go but,"My God, they took away one of my stars!" You know what you want? (talking to himself) Three and a quarter stars.Yes, that would be perfect. It'd mean you're good,but not good enough to feel disappointed... you just missed out on excellence. You still get enough respect.Good people wanna work with you. Business is good, not crazy. You're right below the radar,where you get to mind your own business. That's a good, solid life.

"Cause' what I want and what I need

Is and will always be free!"

- When it comes, Incubus

signs of maturity?

2007-01-12T17:25:00.000-08:00

“Wag tayo magagalit kapag kinuha ng diyos ang taong mahal natin, magalit tayo kapag kinuha sila ng tao”, ang sabi ng prof ko sa NSTP.

I felt awkward when I heard it inside the class. The NSTP class that felt like my dad’s sermon every wednesday. My only defense was to look down the floor and let the thought sink into my brain. I let it marinate for awhile and my life started flashing right before my eyes. And when it was over, I raised my head and looked straight at the professor, looked into his eyes and nod in agreement.

I MEANT IT.

I was really surprised. I never thought that I would be as accepting as that. Because if I heard that 2 or 3 years ago, I would have reacted differently, I might have slapped the person for saying that or I might say something awful just so I can stun the person out of complacency.

I used to hate people who say things about death when they haven’t experienced what it's like to lose someone . I used to hate people who tells me what I should feel or how to deal with my mom’s passing. I used to hate it when people ask stupid questions like “namimimiss mo ba si tita lorna? “ or “nasan na kaya siya ngayon noh?

I hated it when they mention her name and tell stories about her, wonderful stories about her past. I hated it because they weren’t there to see how she suffered. They didn’t see her cry, they didn’t hear her scream. I was there. I witnessed everything. The images of her crying, the bed sores in her back, her fading voice and the sound of her scream are the stuff that I have to live with everyday. Some of it, I just cant get out of my head…and I hated it when people enjoy remembering all the happy things as if that’s the only thing that happened.

They weren’t there when she begged not to to go to the hospital. They didn’t hear her say, “I’d rather die that turn into a vegetable.” Those are the kind of memories that I had to deal with every goddamn day of my life and even in my dreams, she’s there.

How's that for taking it well???

How's that for my so - called "charm life"?

I hated it. I hated it because they want me to remain the same after she passed. Hindi nyo narararamdaman ang narararamdaman ko kaya wag kayong magsalita, I used to tell myself whenever they drop a hypocritical line like “tignan mo nga siya, baby palang siya nung namatay mommy niya okay lang sa kanya samantalang ikaw…”

I can’t believe how many lines like that I heard from people. I always wanted to punch them in the face! Pag may naririnig akong ganun, automatically sumsakit yung lalamunan ko kasi gusto kong magsalita at dahil alam ko na masasaktan sila sa masasabi ko.tumatahimik nalang ako. They can never handle what I was about to say and so I always shut my mouth. Some adults are not that good with confrontations especially when a kid initiates it.

When I was a kid, I find some adults weak. I find them weak when it comes to accepting the truth and the consequence that came with it. I still do…some of them…maybe… I don’t know.

All I know is that I’m happy about the way that I reacted. It’s true, we should not be angry when that happens. I never looked at it that way because all I recognize before is the pain. I was selfish. Hey! I got it! Maybe that’s the kind of selfishness that my dad was talking about.

It still hurts though, when I hear people mention her name. I’d be a hypocrite if I say that I’m not angry anymore. Well maybe not as much as before.

Maybe Adema is right about my favorite song,

“There’s pain inside I cannot understand, there’s hate in life that will not go away. There’s hate in life, I cannot live with it. It feels like no one really understands. It’s always killing me, the problems I face daily. It’s all the things that, I have always take in vain.”

I’ll leave you with this…

What about the families of those people who died in Puket, Thailand? Should they be angry about the tsunami that killed their loved ones?

Whether my professor is right or wrong is up to you. Anger and hatred is bad, you can say that to other people but the thing is, and this is the only thing that I know…

YOU CAN’T TELL PEOPLE WHAT TO FEEL.

You just can’t….

Kahit manigas ka diyan kakasabi na wag siyang magalit, wala kang magagawa kung yun ang nararamdaman niya. The only thing you can do is to wait for them to be okay with it. Hindi mo yun pwedeng iutos. It is still up to them. And that....that takes time...

random thoughts for the holidays

2007-01-01T17:05:00.000-08:00

DEC 22
The Xmas party in school was a blast. They gave me THE LADY IN BLACK award although I was wearing a purple top during the party. I’m still frustrated from the BINGO BONANZA thing that we had. I thought I was going to win that cake. Nyahaha.

I was kind’a scared about this whole Christmas thing because that would mean that I have time to think about shits and SHITS make me sad. But then I realized that it’s all part of my life, the shits, I mean. And it’s okay. It’s okay to have those shitty memories and experiences. The shits are good and it’s up to me whether I’ll use it to motivate me or to cripple me. Crying is still, part of my daily routine and it usually takes place at night. I don’t know… For some stupid reason, I get so vulnerable at night. One single word or one single thought could break me.

The good thing about my crying sessions these past few months is that I CAN FUNCTION. It’s not like last year where I cry and sulk all day, hiding in my room listening to PJ Harvey as she complains and bitches about the pratfalls of being a girl. This year, It is different. After I cry, I will do something. I will get out of my room and do something productive, something…anything. I’m crying and yet I’m functioning. Hehe. And it feels good. It feels good that I acknowledge the pain but I’m doing something in my life. This might be the weakness of my thoughts. Thoughts that always betray me. And I mean ALWAYS. I got you know motherfucker! Maybe next year, I won’t cry at all. Along with this enlightenment is Bert, singing in my head “with my foot on your neck, I finally have you right where I want you”

DEC 26
I just lost a bet to myself. I few weeks before Christmas, I told myself that I would treat it like an ordinary day. But there I was, one day before the eve of this much-awaited event, buying gifts for my cousins. My dad already gave my Christmas gift and I said to myself “Fuck it, I’m not going to spend this money to buy material things that wont make me happy!” So I decided to just share it with my precious cousins. My misfits. After all, Christmas is really about kids (and I’m not a kid anymore). I already bought myself six books the other day, so I’m pretty much settled for the season. Besides, my monita already gave me the best gift of the season: A GREEN BANANA PEEL SANDALS. That alone is enough to make me happy for the rest of the week.

I bought a lot of toys. As I look for toys one shop over another, One by one as I picked the toys, I tried imagining my cousins kill each other with it. “Yes, they will like these!”. So I bought a lot of plastic rifles, plastic swords, plastic freesbie discs, plastic steam engines, plastic trains and a lot of plastics.

Everyone laughed when they saw what I wrote on Esting’s card.

SA PINAKAMAMAHAL KONG ESTING,

Iwasan ang makapatay!

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!

From: NINANG MECMEC

I really wanted to buy them old school toys like slingshots made of wood and turumpong and all that shit. I, unfortunately, only had the chance to find marbles. I bought a lot of accessories and bags for the girls and I bough a lot of stuffs in Watson’s for the adults. I bought my dad a Charles Dickens book called Hard Times and I bought my brother a bonnet, so he can add it up to his collection.

My muscles still ache from carrying all the gifts and all the stuffs that I bought for my lolos and lola’s. I carried a lot of watermelons and pineapples and hams too!

I was picking the kind of ham that I plan to give to Mamang and Papang when this dude from the grocery store came up to help me. He must have seen me work my way down the half emptied box type freezer. All the good hams were already gone so I really need to pick the best among the abandoned piggies.

SANTA MEC: Kuya pakiabot, ung kulay green at kulay red.

He laughed because I was literally staring both at the hams trying to figure out which one I was going to buy. What the fuck do I know about hams?!

I was trying to formulate a good question, trying to come up with words….

SANTA MEC: Kuya….

I don’t know what to say. Kuya laughed at me…

PUREFOODS DUDE: Anong pagkakaiba ng red sa green?

He finished my own sentence…

SANTA MEC: Tama, tama anong pagkakaiba?

PUREFOODS DUDE: Yung red manamis namis bukod sa pre cooked na siya at yung green naman ay low sa sodium.

DING DING! Light bulb on Mecky’s head!

SANTA MEC: YES, LOW SODIUM IS GOOD! Tamang tama yan sa mga oldies.

So I bought the ones with the green tag. As I lined up in the Cash register (that fucking line that will never end, damn you last minute shoppers!), I thought to myself: “GREEN HAMS even without the eggs, sure Dr. Seuss will still love me for this one!”

So I went home and wrapped all the gifts even though I can’t move my arms for all that heavy lifting. It still aches right now, Mr. Alaxan left me. I think I already have Johnny Bravo’s shoulders!

I sucked at wrapping during the first three gifts but I got the hang of it after that and my gifts looked great! I even took a picture of it after I was done wrapping all the gifts.

So there, I guess the world won this time. I CAUGHT THE CHRISTMAS BUG, happy now?

The Noche Buena went well. It’s simple and memorable. My brother and I were watching all the championship games of the Chicago BULLS (our favorite when we were kids) on DVD. He was balled up in the couch and I was sitting on the floor mincing my onions (for the macaroni salad that I was preparing) in my mom’s Rotato- CHEF! I used to have a crush on Scottie Pippen.

When the clock stroked 12, I started opening the gift I bought for myself. I even put them inside gift wrappers and pretended to be surprised the moment I opened them. It’s a VCD of one of my favorite movies: REALITY BITES. I own a pirated VCD but since I could use a little upgrade, I decided to buy myself a DVD copy, but I cant find one so I bought “ME -SELF” as Mr. Krabs would say it, an original VCD copy. That’s the best thing that I can find right now!

So I watched it, pretending I don’t know the lines as I shallack my way into the noche buena feast. And then I burped so loud, (thanks to MR. ROOTBEER) while Lelaina screamed “IT WAS NEVER MEATLOAF!”.

God, I love root beer! I’m addicted to it. I wann’a make love to it. HAHA! In fact, I’m drinking one right now while I’m typing. (Multi – tasking, you should try it!)

I’m so in love with it that I’m planning to write a dissertation paper about it. Which one is the best: The Mug Root beer or the Zesto Root beer? Or ARSI? (Is Arsi a root beer? IT IS IN MY WORLD) or SARSI?
I love it when the scoop of Ice scream turns into a cloud of sweet air once the root beer hits it. IT IS ROCKET SCIENCE TO ME! Haha.

See this is what happens when I am alone with my crazy twisted mind.

All I know is that the addiction started when my classmates and I were covering The Manila Youth Games National Invitational. Whatever magic happened within that day...I don’t know. All I know is that I’m in love with this carbonated asshole. But just like any kind of love everything needs moderation especially this dude that I’m in love with. (Hey, I’m talking about MR. ROOT BEER….Ixnay on the human beings for now!) Got to watch it though.

DEC 27
Last Sunday, I encountered one of the biggest decisions I have ever made in my whole entire life-- What to watch on cable.

God gave me two choices since most of the programs that day sucked. Is it CLOSER or MY DAD THE ROCKSTAR. Of course I’ve seen Closer a million times already and I watch MDTR everyday…

Uhmmm Which one? Which one?

I switched the channel to Star Movies, Clide Owen was already wanking in cyber space with Jude Law and then I switched it to Nickolodeon, Willie was talking to his daddy.

Uhmmmmm…Uhmmmmmmmmmm…. Uhmmmmmm…(I’m not moaning…I AM CONFUSED)
How hard can this be? Thinking….thinking…thinking….

After so much deliberation, I opted to watch Rockzilla perfect his “Chili con Carnage” in his kitchen as he burps fire in Willie’s head. I was tempted to hear Jude say, “What’s in my sandwiches?” though.

That moment, I came up with a new rule, A new rule that I am going to give myself next year. NO MORE LOVE MOVIES, No more movies that will make me sad, no more love stories, no more of that shit. But there is an exception though, Of Course, every rule has an exception. If Nancy Meyers wrote the movie then I can watch it, if not then I won’t, unless Brad Pitt is in the movie or Angelina Jolie.

Can’t wait for Sunday. I love Sundays. The best part about Sunday is that I get to lay into my Mamang’s super old dusty couch and watch Foster’s Imaginary Friends on RPN 9. I know…RPN 9. They don’t have cable. There’s something about old people and technology. Somehow there’s something about them that just don’t mix.

DEC 28
Boogie Romero is pretty much part of my day dreams now. I never had this kind of effect on someone in a very long time. Not since when I was in high school and I was madly in love with Gavin Rossdale. I don’t know…. It’s just that he reminds me of someone, someone very special to me.

DEC 30
The annoying part of the day was the homily. The priest did a very good lecture about unconditional love but he kept on referring it as CONDITIONAL. I really wanted to yell at him “its called unconditional love!” He kept on saying conditional and I hate it. I looked at everyone’s faces and none of them have the slightest idea or objection at all. They’re like monkeys. Gullible monkeys! It’s either they weren’t listening or they don’t just get it at all.

Mr. Priest was talking about the key to marriage--unconditional love. To love the person no matter what and despite of, not “do this—do that—be this—be that—and then I’ll love you” kind of love. Whatever. It’s useless anyway. The truth is, I find his sermon useless. “Love” (if that’s what they call it) now a days is so conditional. “Become someone that I want you to be then maybe…just maybe I will love you” blah blah. It’s actually a trend, a pathetic one. Why can’t just people love each other for who and what they are?

Where’s the magic? Love has got to be more than that. IT HAS TO BE! Because if it weren’t then fuck it! Kahit kayo kayo nalang and ma in love, forgive me if I don’t join the stupid bandwagon. I’m not scared to die alone anyway.

…And by the way (wow, I’m rhyming), love is not blind. It’s the people who makes love blind not love itself. Fear makes people blind because fear is stronger than love. I guess it all depends now if you’re afraid or not.

JAN 1

Last night was fun. It was only me and ny dad though because my brother had to work. (hotels ,man) But it was okay. My dad and I were on the rooftop and he was drinking beer and I was in charge with the firecrackers and all It was fun. I even got my katol on a very long stick! I have no complaints. So this is what it feels like huh? I was ten years old when I last spend the new year with my dad. It felt different. I guess, this is it. I became a normal kid for once.

Last year was good and bad at the same time. I want to thank my dad for everything, my brother for being a pain in the ass, my mamang for all the care, my papang for being the best and for giving me his 1970 collection of reader's digest (which is so cool), my friends both in highschool and in college, my cousins for being the coolest kids in the world, My titos and titas for all the support, Nino, for being my bestfriend and love one in the past and my mom for being that person in my head telling me to keep on moving. It was a good year, 2007 here I come!

driving mr. asshole

2006-12-19T23:41:00.000-08:00

I had to write about this...

Pumara si manong sa may subdivision malapit sa regalado....

biglang humirit yung driver gamit ang malakas niyang boses..

"OO, MAGBAYAD KA MUNA" pagalit na sabi ni manong driver....

at nagsimula na silang magsigawan sa loob ng FX

I was in the middle of my sleep when I heard all of these.

The FX driver was accusing one of the passengers for not paying.

This manong that the driver was accusing was wearing a half decent shirt.

medyo madumi...yung tipo ba na galing pa sa probinsya...madumi kasi galing sa byahe. He has a duffel bag so I assumed that he was dirty because of his long trip from the province.

Pagsakay na pagsakay ko pa lang ng FX sa quiapo, kasunod ko siyang sumakay sa likod ng FX. Manong was eating this pastry that i think he bought from baker's fair. It smelled so good inside the FX. I actually smiled at him when he placed his duffel bag on the floor and he kindly apologized when it accidentally hit my foot.

pagkatapos nun, nagbayad na siya.

TAKE NOTE: NAGBAYAD SIYA.

So natulog na ko... at gumising ako nung nasa philcoa na para magbayad. By that time, nakasimangot na yung driver.

Being the typical bitch that I am, I raised my eye brow at the driver.

at natulog na ako ulit.

So when I was awaken by the driver's stupid ramblings about manong, I raised my voice and said "NAGBAYAD KAYA SIYA".

TAKE NOTE: I RAISED MY VOICE!

All the passengers were saying the same thing. Alam nila na nagbayad si manong. AT NAKAUPO PA SA GITNA NG FX UNG TAONG MISMONG NAGABOT NG BAYAD SA KANYA.

But the imbecile driver kept on saying that manong did'nt pay.

Why? because he looks dirty? because he looks poor? That is fucking pathetic!

This time I was furious... even the passengers were furious. Nagtitinginan nalang kami nung mga nanay.

"AYAN MGA SAKSI KO OH" manong said,pointing his fingers at me and the girl who handed his money to the stupid driver.

Binalibag ni manong ang pintuan.

WAY TO GO MANONG...I was rooting for him...hehehe

Still, the driver was bitching.

At dahil mas bitch ako sa kanya. PUMITSE AKO NG MALAKAS since ugali ko yon pag naiinis na ako.

Humirit ang kupal at nagsabing " wag nyong sabihing hindi ko alam na hindi siya nagbayad", ang sabi ni Manong driver.

My eyebrow was raised like it wanted to get out of my face.

He kept on talking to this dude infront. That passenger was symphathetic to the driver. And he was laughing.

OO, GWAPO KA NGA PERO BOBO KA NAMAN! Know what happened first bago ka maginarte dyan kasama nyang tangang driver na yan..

"sana sinabi nalang niya na wala siyang pera kesa naman na wag siyang magbayad."

Tangina ang kulet mo eh SINABI NG NAGBAYAD SI MANONG. It's not his fault if you're stupid!

Naiinis nadin yung nanay sa gitna ng FX. Ako napipikon na. I can't stand hearing this fucking driver bitch like an insecure cheerleader about something that never happened.

While he was mumbling...

Humirit ako na banat....

"EH, NAGBAYAD NGA EH"

Manong was furious.

I slammed the door when we arrived at SM Fairview...

Eto lang akin....

Probably, wala ng malamon si manong driver dahil sa hirap ng buhay ngayon kaya he hates the idea of being cheated. OO, ALAM KO MAHIRAP ANG BUHAY NGAYON at MALI ANG HINDI MAGBAYAD SA FX. Pero manong driver, NAGBAYAD YUNG TAO EH....

He was so disillusioned by his stupid logic..

DIRTY LOOKING PEOPLE = PEOPLE WHO DONT PAY

HERE'S A THOUGHT:

Kung ang lahat ng pasahero mo.. well with the exception of the good looking BUT STUPID GUY INFRONT, all agreed na nagbayad na ang isa sa mga pasahero mo, don't you think NA BAKA IKAW ANG MAY PROBLEMA??????

mother of all surveys

2006-12-06T02:40:00.000-08:00

I'll bombard this bitch with the mother of all surveys...

Q: A friend whose name starts with 'S'
A: Sharlene a.k.a Shaq

Q: 4th person on your received calls?
A: hindi ko alam...wala yata eh

Q: What did your last text message say?
A: andito na ako sa loob ng Commission on Human Rights - my editor

Q: How many times has your profile
been viewed?
A: I dont know...i really dont care

Q: What’s your shout out?
A: it's a line from incubus' when it comes...it's really appropriate with my situation...wink

Q: Current mood
A: pissed...kaya nga i'm answering this eh...to divert my attention...

Q: Do you have curly hair?
A: OH YES, but not right now...i already had my treatment...harhar

Q: What did you do last night?
A: read human rights books..huhu

Q:What time did you sleep?
A: 12 midnight

Q:How many hours of sleep did you have?
A: i only had 4... i think...basta bitin...tulog ako sa fx kanina eh

Q: What words do you say a lot?
A: sosyal....mga gels...mga ateh... ang lola nyo... ( bakla kasi ako eh..harhar)

Q: What is the last thing you drank?
A: OJ

Q: What was the last thing you said to
someone and who was it?
A: mam, sir thank you po... i conducted an interview sa mga lawyers ng human rights kanina...

Q: Do you watch TV?
A: SHIT ako pa??? I'm a big fan of the idiot box...

Q: Most random thing you've heard in
the past few months?
A: ayoko na...

Q: Do you have work/school tomorrow?
A: yes i have...i have school and tom is the deadline of my story

Q: What should you be doing right now?
A: polishing my human rights article...hehehe...d naman masamang mag break...sandali lang..mainit pa ulo ko eh

Q: Do you have a nickname?
A: madami... my dad calls me kingkong...my tita calls me kuting...my tito dong calls me micoy...madami nako...

Q: Do you believe in love at first
sight?
A: not really...i care more about what's inside... sa mga crushes possible...nangyari na sakin yan ng makita ko si boogie romero...pero crush lang...

Q: Who's the youngest one in the
family?
A: ME!

Q: Are you a heavy sleeper?
A: ako pa...kahit nga sa jeep nakakatulog ako eh...

Q: Last time you used a skateboard?
A: i'm not into skateboards...but i have a crush on bob burnquist...is that relevant? hehe

Q: Best movie you've seen in the past
two weeks?
A: two weeks? nako...wala pako napapanood...i'm busy...but i like to see prestige...sobrang amazing lang sakin makita na grown up na si Christian Bale eh..nasanay kasi ako sa image nya as a kid sa Empire of the Son

Q: Whats your favorite form of travel?
A: right now.. i like to ride a bus, pag malayong trip like trip to baguio etc. pero pag sa malapit lang FX padn ako...

Q: Next place you'll go?
A: Kitchen... fix dinner

Q: Next movie you want to see:
A: I have no idea... OW OW...Charlotte's Web pla...harhar... i love Dakota Fanning

Q: Next car you want to have?:
A: ako never pa kong nabaliw sa isang car pero ngayon meron...PICANTO...fuck man, ung white na color..grabeh... i'm inlove with it..

Q: Next time you're going out?:
A: tomorrow and the next day and the next day... i'm busy

Q: Next time you're going to move:
A: i dont know...saka na...it will take me forever to leave this house... i'm pretty attached to it..

Q: Next thing you're going to save
money for:
A: for cd's parin... i care more about buying CD's than clothes or etc. depende nalang kung shoes at tsinelas...medyo addik ako sa ganun eh...

Q: Next time that you will drink
alcohol:
A: hopefully sa bday ni Lany, i told her magpainom siya eh

Q: Next person you are going to call:
A: wla akong load...and he lost his phone last week...so medyo zero communication kami... besides i'm busy ...i miss him, though... wink wink

Q: Next place you'll take vacation:
A: not sure

Q: Next thing you are going to do
outside:
A: i already went outside... inutusan ako tumaya ng lotto...fucking hell

Q: LSS?
A: i'm afraid it's hawak kamay..whoever sang it...naririnig ko kasi sa FX at Taxi eh

Q:Question you wanna ask?
A: am i turning into a cold human being?

1.Song playing at the moment
__ complex - dicta license

> 2. One reason for living?
__ to break down walls...to help people...to be an inspiration...to ...i dont know...

> 3. Do u think you're ok?
__ when it comes to what? Kissing..Hell yes! ay hindi ba dun...ok ok erase erase...

> 4. Ever donated blood?
__ muntikan na...muntikan nadin ako magdonate ng kidney...

> 5. Fav color(s)?
__ brown

> 6. Accessories you usually wear?
__ if i'm on my feminine mode...my mom's wedding ring...earrings...etc... but if i'm on my wasted mode..i really dont give a shit...

> 7. One song to describe a heartbreak
in the past?
__ nako hindi lang isang kanta...buong album...let's see... it's the first album of The Used and Discovering the waterfront ng silverstein... pati rin ung when broken can be easily fixed... every song explains my past and my feelings..

> 8. Last place you went to?
__ Commission on Human Rights

> 9. Last person u went out with
__ group kami eh

> 10. The most boring sport?
__ alam mo ung outdoor sport ung letseng naglalagari ng kahoy etc...ung pang redneck na sports...

> 11. Ever had a baby?
__ nope...wag muna po...dyosko...

> 12. Last movie u've seen?
__ i always watch DVD everyday...pero mga old movies, last one i think...lion king...namiss ko kasi si zazu eh

> 13. Any piercings or tattoo?
__ i used to have one sa dila..pero it was just a part of my rebellious phase... un ung mga panahon na i want to stop doing ordinary things...because i dont want to be ordinary

> 14.The most romantic gift?
__ anything na sincere... i dont want things na may halong bullshit

> 15. Acted on a stage before?
__ yeah

> 16. Struck by lightning before?
__ nope...

> 17. Danced with your loved one
before?
__ nope...we suck at dancing

> 18. Ever wished you could turn back
time?
__ nope...tanggap lang ng tanggap...kung masakit, namnamin mo...kung may regrets, mamatay ka sa kakaisip...

> 19. What would you do if you woke up
one day..
__ bakit...is it possible for me not to wake up?

> 20. song that's meaningful to
you?
__ right now it's the heart of polka beating ng SOTY, there's a line in the song that goes... "these dreams are still worth fighting for..and in my eyes this is the only thing that i fucking have...and i will never let it go..."

> 21. Last person you met for the first
time?
__ the lawyers of CHR

> 22. What will you be doing tomorrow?
__ probably watch my editor edit my story

> 23. Ever thought of robbing a bank?
__ kung kasali bako sa Ocean's 12 why not...harhar..i can be their grease monkey

> 24. One thing you totally regret?
__ never pakong nagregret..but if there's one siguro back in the days, i pushed a special someone away from my life...there's a super liit regret kasi i realized na eventhough I want to be with him it will never work out..so what i did, i pushed him away.... but he's happy now and un ung importante

> 25. Do people like you?
__ i guess... hindi naman kasi ako nangagagago ng tao eh...pero i strike back pag inaway ako ng wala akong ginagawa... i can be bastos sa mga taong ganun

> 26. What was the last game you played
on the computer?
__ red alert...yuri's revenge...but that was a long time ago

> 27. Someone who means a lot to you
at the moment
__ myself

> 28. Model of your mobile phone?
__ i have no idea... it's the fliptop model ng nokia...nothing expensive...

> 29. Do you hate someone at the
moment?
__ not really the person... it's the action that i hate

> 30. Song dedicated sa sarili mo?
__ sometimes jacks rule the realm 311

> 31. Song dedicated sa ex mo?
__ hear me out silverstein

> 32. Worst thing that ever happened
to you?
__ you dont want to know... pero eto lang..time may fly pero those things that happened in the past... i always carry it with me... may mga sobrang masakit pero those things made me the way i am right now... it changed me...

> 33. Do you drive?
__ nope.. i dont have a license

> 34. W/c do you prefer cat or dog?
__ dog... i prefer an emotionally shallow pet

> 35. What do you wish to happen?
__ i just want to be functional..i dont care if im happy or sad.. right now i just want to be functional... no more hiding this time... I plan to kick ass...

1. Anong oras na sa pc?
[] 3: 35 am pero als 6 na ng gabi harhar

2.May tugtog kbang pinapakinggan?
[] nil by mouth - blindspott

3.Nakatulog ka ba kgbi?
[] oo pagod nako eh

4.Tumingin ka sa bintana, ano una mong
nakita?
[] curtina

5.Anu kulay ng pc na gnagamit mo?
[] black...

6.Iniisip mo ba sya?
[] sino? OO..araw araw

7.Kung meron kang gust0ng sapakin
ngaun, cnu
un?
[] wala naman

8.Malabo ba mata mo?
[] nope

9.Do u? love? music?
[] OPO

10.Pang-ilan ka sa inyong magkakapatid?
[] bunsoy

11.Favorite drink?
[] h20.. lalo na ung galing sa ref namin..hayop magpalamig ng tubig un eh

12.Ano favorite flower mo?
[] cabbage rose...nyahaha

13. Ano suot mo ngaun?
[] shirt na hanggang tuhod

14. Anong huli mong ininom?
[] tubig

15. San ka huling pumunta? bakit ka
andun?
[] sa may chr nga...may kailanagn ako kausapin

16.Pet? Kung meron, anu un at name
nya??
[] madami...sila ashley, puti, sila herb, eons, tangerine speedo etc...maraming hayop sa bahay namin...isa nadun ung kuya ko

17.Gusto mo ba classroom nyo?
[] oo, lalo na pag si atty. bruno ang prof...o sige masakit ulo uuwi nako..magresearch kayo ng libel case sa SCRA..mahahanap nyo un sa national library...oo sige mam...wala pakong natututunan sayo..letse

18. Naligo ka na b?
[] mya pa...

19.Sino crush mo?
[] si boogie romero po...ilabyu..harhar

20.May patay ka bang kuko?
[] wla ah...

21.Kanino ka mana, sa nanay o tatay mo?
[] hati eh

22. What are you watching now?
[] wla...

*******23.Ateneo o La Salle?
*****************
[] La Salle nalang...andun si Yeo eh..kras ko un eh

~ ANO? ~

1. ANO ang paborito mong kulay?
[] brown

2. ANO ang tawag sayo sa bahay?
[] kong...bunsoy

3. ANO ang paborito mong pagkain?
[] ngayon ung cinnamon donut..huhu...

4. ANO ang paborito mong palabas?
[] madami

5. ANO ang gusto mong gawin
[] manahimik...gusto ko lang ng matahimik na buhay

~SAAN?~

1. SAAN mo gustong magbakasyon?
[] sa outer space....

2.SAAN ka pinanganak?
[] sa jose reyes po....

3.SAAN ka madalas pumupunta ngayon?
[] sa school malamang

4.SAAN mo gustong magpakasal?
[] sa hawaii

5.SAAN mo gustong mamasyal?
[] kahit saan basta may pera

~ BAKET? ~

1. BAKET yan ang pangalan mo?
[] aba malay ko...

2. BAKET ka sumasagot ng survey na ito?
[] because i'm pissed...

~ OO o HINDE ~

1. umiinom ka ba ng alak?
[] yup...but im more responsible now

2. nasubukan mo na bang kumain ng
exotic food?
[] i'm afraid it's a doggy...ilocano kasi kami eh...pero bata pko nun...ngaun hindi na namin pinapractice un..unlike sa mga relatives namin sa laog

3. tumulay/nakatawid ka na ba sa apoy?
[] hindi pa...nimaglaro nga ng apoy di ko mgawa eh...( read between the lines)

4. marunong ka bang maggitara?
[] nope...unfortunately i wasnt raised by my parents na nainvolve sa pag play ng instruments...never akong nagballet or nagpiano lessons..however, madalas ako nun sa megamall kasi sinasali ako ng nanay ko sa POG competitions...naalala nyo paba ung POG...ung pinauso na game ng coca cola...hyahhaa

5. masungit ka ba?
[] hindi...sumpungin lang

6. mahal mo ba siya?
[] cnu? ay ay...no comment hehe

7.mahal ka ba nya?
[] hindi ko alam

8.sigurado ka ba?
[] opo

Prologue

1.Where did you take your default pic?
** sa bahay

2.What exactly are you wearing right
now?
** white shirt nga na hanggang tuhod

3.What is your current problem?
** problems with the world

4.What makes you most happy?
** when ah this person calls...hahaha..safe answer...

5.What's the name of the song that
you're listening to?
** pinatay ko na muna...and2 na c erpatz eh, nanunuod ng news

6.Has anyone close to you died
recently?
**not recently...but it always feel like it just happened yesterday

7.Do you ever watch mtv?
**hindi na ngaun..i rarely visit channel 66...tamad ako sa remote

8. Whats something that really annoys
you?
** ung mga clueless...ung mga clueless na mayayabang... bugok naman

---------------------------------------
---------------------------

Chapter 1:

1.Middle name:
** Bravo

.Nickname(s):
** mec, mecky, kong, kuting, micoy... I can go all day..haha

3.Current location:
** hillcrest vill

4.Eye color:
**black

---------------------------------------
---------------------------

Chapter 2:

1.Do you live with your parents?
**yes..

2.Do you get along with your parent(s)?
** natural

3.Are your parents
married/separated/divorced?
** single

4.Do you have any Siblings?
** i have an asshole brother

---------------------------------------
---------------------------

Chapter 3: Favorite...

1. Ice Cream:
** ung rocky road...tsaka ung black chocolate...i'm not big into fruit flavors though..lalo na ube... yuck

2.Season:
** rainy

---------------------------------------
---------------------------

Chapter 4: Do You..

1.Write on your hand:
** no

2.Call people back:
** pag nagpromise ako

3.Believe in love:
** not right now...what is love anyway?

4.Sleep on a certain side of the bed?
** nope...

5. Have any bad habits?
** my ticks are back...i used to have it when I was 7..my parents assume that I have tourette's kc usually un ang symptom...pati ng OCD din...nawala siya since then pero ngaun bumalik...although i magically stop pag may mga tao....i'm such a freak..oh well

6. Any mental health issues?
** wala naman..im just a sappy romantic kind of being

---------------------------------------
---------------------------

Chapter 5: Have You...

1.Broken a bone:
**not yet...

2.Sprained stuff:
**yes...batang kalye ako nuon eh..kahit sa truck ng kapitbahay namin umaakyat ako

3.Had physical therapy?:
** i used to be a pt student? harhar

4.Gotten stitches:
** la pa naman

5.Taken painkillers?
**ay oo...salap

6.Gone SCUBA diving or snorkeling:
** soon...cant wait...

7.Been stung by a bee:
**nope

8.Thrown up at the dentist:
**nope...

9.Sworn in front of your parents:
** oo...pero english lang ah...medyo mabigat kasi oag tagalog... may pag ka ousbourne - ISH ang pamilya ko eh

10.Had detention:
** nope...tong bait kong to
---------------------------------------
--------------------------

Chaper 6: Who/What was the last

1.Movie(s):
** lion king

2.Person to text you?:
** si mareng aubrey

3.Person you called:
** si hehehe...

4.Person you hugged?
** my dad

5.Person you tackled?
** none

6.Thing you touched?:
** my ass...hahaha

7.Thing you ate?
** pre cooked ham...

8. Thing you drank?:
**water

9. Thing you said:
** "Ano po?" kakatawag lang sakin ni erpatz

1. Where is your dad right now?
> nasa baba..may pilay...HAHAHAHA....

2. Last time you kissed someone?
> kaninang umaga

3. What is something you've
learned about yourself recently?
> that i will never change for others...i never did before, i dont plan to start now... i plan to be just myself...

4. what color is your watch?
> i'm not into watches

5. do you like anyone?
> yup...pero secret ko lang un...harhar...ay ay.. alam pla nya...namin pla,,secret namin

6. Are you close to your mom?
> not really...it was developing until she died

7. Where does your best friend work?
> si jhongjhong, nagaaral pa sa USTE

8. What are you listening to right
now?
> la na nga....

9. What do you smell like?
> like satan in heaven

10. What color are your pants?
> im not wearing one right now

12. What color is your bedroom
flooring?
> red...ahem??? nagpaparinig ako sa baba.... may nakita nakong tiles para sa kwarto ko... i need the benjamins now! haha

13. Do you have a chair in your room?
> oo...tatlong monoblock yata un...patungan ng mga KALAT! haha

14. What time of day were you born?
> d ko lam..pag nalaman m ba magkakaulam ka mamya?

15. Do you know anyone who is engaged?
> yes..at abay nako sa kasal....hahaha

16. What's your favorite number?
> 5

17. Do you know someone named Lori?
> si aling loring!

18. What color is your mom's hair?
> black

19. Do you have a dog?
> oo tatlong makukulit na aso...riot

20. Do you remember singing any songs
as a kid?
> i sing alot of annie songs...yan ang laman ng voice tape ko palagi sa tatay ko nuon...

21. When was the last time you went
swimming?
> tagal na...

22. When was the last time you talked
to one of your siblings?
> kanina lang...sabi ko "gago ka ah"

23. Did you ever go to camp as a kid?
> nope... i used to go sa mga convention ng mga tita ko...achuchuchu..mga ganun...tambay ako ng NEDA dati eh... palagi ko nga nakikita si winnie munsod dun dati kasi siya ang boss ng tita ko

24. Do you play an instrument?
> teka ung mga wholesome ba? hehehe

25. Do you like fire?
> no....

26. Are you allergic to anything?
> sa alikabok....nagkakapantal ako pag ganun

27. When was the last time you cried?
> kagabi lang....uso un eh....

30. Did you take science all four
years of high school?
> natural

31. Do you like butterflies?
> nope

33. What is one thing you miss about
your past?
> the person that i'm with...

34. Have you ever seen the school
counselor?
> wala naman ganun sa school...kunyari lang meron pero wala talaga

35. Have you ever wanted to be a
teacher?
> naisip...naisip ko lang kung gano ka cool ako maging teacher... haha

36. What is one thing you've learned
about life?
> it pays to be yourself...it's not an easy road though...pero the road to truth naman is never easy... gusto lang mg katotohanan... i just want to cut through the bullshit... diretso na

37. Are you jealous of anyone?
> nope... i love myself

38. Is anyone jealous of you?
> ang tanga naman nila...

39. Ever been stuck in an elevator?
> inde pa pero kung si ano ung nasa loob okay lang,,

40. What does your mom call you?
> mecmec...pero pag binuo yung MICHELLE MAE ibig sabihin nun seryoso na at malamang papaluin nako!

41. What do your friends call you?
> mecky

42. What does you hair look like right
now?
> it's fabulous my darling

43. Has a friend ever used you?
> im blessed with good friends...isa yan sa mga swerte ng buhay ko...

44. Has anyone recently told you that
they like you more than a
friend?
> oo pero mga bullshits lang un...hayop MGA ah...joke

45. What have you eaten today?
> breakfast sa jollibee ung may friend saging...tapos...d ko na maalala...hayaan mo pag punta ko ng banyo malalaman ko ulit...haha

46. Is your hair naturally curly or
straight?
> naturally disturbing

48. Who was the last person you drove
with?
> i was with ateh amiel but he (not she) was driving...but that was last monday

49. What are you looking forward to?
> ung itugon sana pero NO, ayaw ni sir klink...

50. How are you today?
> i'm bushed but im fine

anong pinagkakaabalahan mo ngayon?
- the human rights thingy

2. anong laman ng bag mo?
- mga papel...mga human rghts chever...si zazu, ung tape recorder ko...(yup pinangalanan ko siya)

3. kelan ka huling nagpunta ng mall?
- kanina

4. sino ang huling nagtext sa'yo?
- c aubrey nga!

5. sinong tao ang huli mong nakausap sa
phone
- ung secretary ni atty. boiser

6. sino ang gusto mong makausap sa fone
ngayon?
- si micmic po...huhu...

7. may out-of-town/country trip ka ba
ngayong summer?
- dyan lang dadaan lang ako sa hawaii...saglit lang...joke

8. anong gusto mong inumin ngayon?
- sarsi...sarsi...sarsi...na addik nako tlga...

9. last movie na napanood mo?
- d ko na matandaan

10. may kaibigan ka bang psycho?
- psycho kaming lahat eh

11. last time you called somebody
stupid?
- kanina lang....ung kuya ko....lambing namin yan sa isat isa eh

12. what did you do on your last
birthday?
- nag day dream lang....

13. bakit ka nagffriendster?
- para makachismis....

14. kumusta ka naman?
- natatae yata ako....ehrmmmm...nope...flatulence lang

15. describe mo naman ano nafifeel mo
ngayon?
- relax lang...god is testing me eh..kanina pa may mga pagsubok eh...pero i'm not going to break....hahaha.... trangkilo lang ako...

16. ano naman ang masasabi mo sa
number 27?
- it is divisible by 9

17. ilang text messages ang napapadala
mo sa loob ng isang araw?
- depende kung inlab ako...harhar

18. last time you felt guilty?
- about what? wala naman

19. last time you bought something?
- kanina bumili ako ng alaxan sa pilay kong tatay

20. ilang friends meron ka? real true
friends?!
- I have tons!

21. any movie you're going to watch
soon?
- ung charlotte's web NGA?!

22. kanino ka huling nabadtrip?
- dun sa baliw na namgharass sakin sa gate ng CHR...like hello? tulak bko ng baliw...minumura pko...kamukha ko siguro ung kabit ng asawa nya...

23. do you like pasta?
- yes...

24. mahilig ka ba sa ice cream?
- mahilig ako kumain kamo...

25. ano naman ang tingin mo sa da vinci
code movie?
- i havent seen it...natatakot ako masira ung imagination ko... i prefer the book...pero someday i might see it...

26. meron ka bang namimis ngayon?
- madami...para safe

29. kumusta naman kayo ng ex mo?
- kami?...naging kami ba?...nag play pretend lang yata kami... ewan ko...eh parang hindi nako kilala eh...

30. eh ang mahal mo?
- ay oo mahal ko sarili ko,,,im at peace with myself

-LAST

*last tym na cnampal ka ng grl/guy?
_- subukan nila...

*last tym na cnigawan ka ng na2y mo?
_- ng tatay ko...matagal naun... SELFISH DAW AKO? Fuck ako pa..tangna...sakit nga eh...dahil hindi ako selfish....kahit kailan...shit, man... kaya nga ako nagkakagainto dahil welfare ng iba iniisip ko tapos makakarinig ako ng ganun...SHIT..it's liberating though,...tangna, ngaun bahala na sila...

*last gift na nrecve mo?
_- heartache...we separate ways 3 days sfter my bday...or was it 4...hell..i dont care anymore

*last tym na nagpunta ka sa mall?
_-khapon lang....

*last girl/boi na niloko ka?
_- ah...wala namang gann...

HOW

*pano ka umuwi kanina?
_-nagjeep

*pano ka m2log?
_-nakanganga

*pano ka mgtype,fast or slow?
_- mediocre lang

*pano pg iniwan ka ng mhal mo?
_- edi ok lang.. i might die pero ok lang...HAHA

*pano pg nkita mo my kxama iba mhal mo?
_- okay lang...atleast may common kami ng kasama nya...HAHA

Eject mecmec....

tunnel ng kalungkutan..

2006-11-10T15:10:00.000-08:00

Naalala mo pa ba yung scene sa Meteor Garden kung saan nakita ni San Tsai si Hua tse Lei na nakaupo sa buhangin sa beach?

un na ung mga panahon na kagagaling lang nya sa France dahil hinabol niya si Jing duon pero huli na ang lahat, may mahal na si Jing na iba...

Sabi ni Hua tse Lei, it's easier to deal with the pain during the day...

pero sa gabi, hindi na niya kaya....

umiyak na siya ng tuluyan at niyakap si San Tsai

Last Saturday, my friends came over and we had a post- mecky's bday - janina's & joseph's graduation celebration. It's been a long time since I had a dose of alcohol in my system and I have to admit that drinking again really felt good. Good Friends + Alcohol = Pure fun.

The only downer is that, for some reason... kahit san ako pumunta, kahit saksakan na ng dami ng tao ang nakapalibot sakin, kahit may sikat ng banda ang nagpeperform sa harap ko, kahit na kasama ko ang mga friends ko, nagiinuman, nagkakasiyahan..

at the back of my mind, I still want to be with you.

There are so many things that I still want to share and I hate the fact that I can't share those things with you anymore.

I know I have to let it go... I am letting go...

but still I cant help but think about us.

IT'S JUST THAT WE KICKED ASS TOGETHER!!!

Everyday, since we parted, I always ask myself "how can you give that up?"

Why did you gave up what we had? Samantalang ako, hinding hindi ko ipagpapalit lahat ng nangyari satin sa kahit anong bagay dito sa punyetang mundo nato.

We were so good pag tayo lang dalawa but we fuck things up when we spend time with the rest of the world....

I wasn't asking for the world

And you know that I'm not one to follow through

All these city streets the people look the same

And I can't see your face, and I can't hear your name

I wasn't asking for the world

...ang sabi ng Silverstein sa kantang my Sword vs. Your Dagger

Araw araw pagpumapasok ako sa school, sumasakay ako ng jeep na pier sa quiapo, dadaan yun sa may gilid ng Post Office tapos dadaan yun sa ilalim ng tatlong tunnel....

I always get sad everytime the jeepney pass by the first tunnel. Pag dumadaan na yung jeep dun, yumuyuko nalang ako...

Wanna know why?

The first tunnel has your name written in its wall....

Sana dumaan nalang si Road Runner dun sa tunnel nayon para malagyan nayun ng TNT ni Wile E. Coyote at pasabugin.

I was'nt asking for the world, I just wanted to be with you... :'(

I'm fine now... I'm optimistic.... I will fall inlove again...

fun bunch of batibots!

2006-10-30T01:15:00.000-08:00

I fell in love with these guys. Nasa malayo palang ako, alam ko na mageenjoy ako kausapin sila.
Not only did they kicked ass in the baseball field but they were also the sweetest bunch of cute little boys out of all the teams that I photographed last week at the 2nd MY Games Invitational.

They were munching their Mcdonald's lunch treat that afternoon when I came to talk to their coach, asked a few things about them and finally asked if I could photograph the whole team.

They were so happy...
They even came up with different poses for their picture. Unfortunately, I had to erase some of it (blame the capacity of my digicam's memory card).

I told them that the first shot should be formal and that It could possibly be in a newspaper so I told them to behave accordingly.

And they did...

But when I told them that the next shot would be for me ...Here's what they did..

Oh and by the way, Number 6 is my favorite! ( si belat boy sa pic) He kept on saying "I love you coach" and he did alot things to really get my attention. I really enjoyed his "hercules" poses. We had a picture together taken by one of his team mates but I had to erase it. Damn!

The Southridge Little League Baseball Team representing Mandaluyong City at the 2nd My Games Invitational.

manong is an asshole!

2006-10-29T23:45:00.000-08:00

God made the word "ASSHOLE" only for him. His ego is probably bigger than his brain or his salary. He acted as if he owns the whole fx and he wanted all the aircon ducts pointed at his ugly face. He's the kind of person nobody ever wants to sit beside with in an fx.

Not only that..

He was breathing infront of the aircon duct and you can smell the dinner he ate from last night, that fucking horrible smell seeping through every corner of the vehicle. I was inside a nightmare and I was panting for some FRESH AIR (literally). God, why do people like them exist?

"HELP" by the Beatles was the soundtrack of my day yesterday. I was hoping that Superman will grab me out of that fx but he never came. I was destined to sit beside an arrogant and stupid human being. I was suppossed to be the first person to get inside the fx but this asshole suddenly came out of nowhere and grab the door.

Manong PILA po ang tawag dito! PILA! Fine go ahead! nakakaawa ka naman...

I really hate what he did, and I was on the verge of losing my patience so I just decided to listen to some music and just let it go....

Breathe Mecky.....Woosahhh!

But the shit didn't stop there. He kept looking at me with that stupid frowning face as if he didn't do anything wrong. And I saw him smirk... that wicked smirk, Dyosko po, bastos talaga tong tao na to. I want to PUNCH (NOT SLAP) him in the face.

That moment I was really thinking of how that dude from Texas Chain Saw massace kill his victims. Gusto ko siyang balatan ng buhay at tapalan ng asin yung katawan nya.

Hindi pa niya inabot sa driver yung bayad ko at yung bayad ng iba. Tinitignan lang nya kami. Even the other passengers were annoyed.

He kept reaching at his phone and while he was texting, he kept on looking at me as if I was reading his messages.

Manong ni hindi nga po colored yung cellphone nyo eh, hindi ko makikita yang itinitxt nyo at MAS LALONG wala akong balak hablutin yan sa inyo!

I actually had to carry his weight while he was sleeping. PUT@#@@#@! Ni ayoko nga maki share ng oxygen na hinihinga ko sa iyo eh, what more pa kaya ung madikit ka sakin...

The guy infront of me (I was at the back of the fx) was kind enough to sympathize with the situation. CUTIE TO THE RESCUE! We both knew that MANONG IS REALLY AN ASSHOLE.

His face is not that hard to forget. I think he was frowning because a. he hates his life b. he hates his self c. he hates his low paying job. So he pisses other people for his enjoyment.

Minimum wage for a maximum loser! - Lulu, Hot Chick

my birthday's shit surprise

2006-10-04T06:17:00.000-07:00

cassidy "beaver" casablancas

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Goddammit!!!!!!! Not on my birthday!!!!!

That's it, i'm putting my spaghetti plate down!!! I already lost my appetite!

NOT BEAVER!!!!!!! I LOVE BEAVER!!!!!!....i hate it....why him???

turns out he's the one who raped veronica, killed those kids by blowing up the bus and now he blew up the mayor's airplane. The same mayor who molested him with the rest of the little league team. After that he jumped out of a building.

oh beaver...i mean cassidy...why?? Now I'm stuck with your stupid brother ,DICK on season 3...fuckin A!

the show will never be the same again...

I will miss you, Cassidy Casablancas....

and thank you, mr. idiot box for turning my favorite character into a rapist and a mass murderer....job well done for screwing my imagination!

Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'Brightness,' but it doesn't work.
-Gallagher

2006-10-04T02:02:00.000-07:00

happy birthday nunong and kuting! (our stupid nicknames from mamang and papang hehe)

before i turn 22...

2006-10-03T12:05:00.000-07:00

Who says I'm turning 21? I'm 2 years old, see? hehe

yup, it's official! No day off for disappointments tomorrow.

Just when she thought that that she can break free from it for at least 24 hours, the world comes knocking at the door to screw her once and again. No exemption.

Tomorrow would be her 21st birthday and to tell you the truth, she wants to be GENUINELY happy.

Her friends will greet her one by one, her father will kiss her and tell her how proud he is for having a daughter like her, mamang will cook all her favorite foods and she might recieve gifts that she will be thankful for but will not necessarily make her happy.

The whole day is design to make her the happiest person in the world. wink! wink!

But she wont be!

...because the moment she blows the candle in her cake, she will realize that the most important person in her life forgot to greet her. Wish ruined before it's even made!

I greeted him on his birthday last year. I did'nt have second thoughts. I really wanted to greet him. Not only I called but I also sent a message in his cell,YM, friendster blah blah...

I covered all the bases.

Kahit alam kong ako na naman ang mukhang kawawa...
Kahit alam kong ako na naman ang mukhang tanga...

You want to know why?

because I did'nt want him to think that I forgot him on his birthday. I did'nt want to give him that single moment (that I'm going to have later when I blow my candles..) where he feels completely forgotten.

You see, it's painless when a friend or a relative slash family member forgets your birthday. And when they do that, it doesnt mean that they don't love you anymore.

Hindi ka na magtatanong kung bakit...
hindi mo na huhukayin...
hindi ka malulungkot...

kasi it's automatic! Alam mo na mahal ka parin nila.

But if it's a SOMEONE, it really hurts like hell. Iba kasi kapag sila yung nakalimot.

Magtatanong ka kung bakit nakalimutan..
Huhukayin mo yung storya kung bakit...
Malulungkot ka...
At impossibleng hindi ka maapektuhan.

Kahit alam momg kasali ka na sa listahan ng nakaraan niya, there's always that itty bitty hope expecting that the person will greet you. At paghindi ka naalala...hindi ka binati..you hate yourself for feeling that stupid itty bitty feeling. You will feel like a shit.

You want to know if that person still loves you? wait for your birthday and see if that person remembers...

If yes, you are lucky...
If not, you're in trouble. Something must be wrong. That person is slowly slipping away.

because the truth is, it's just PLAIN CRUEL to forget. If you love the person hinding hindi mo pwedeng makalimutan yun. Unless the person doesn't care anymore. Unless the person doesn't love you anymore.

When that happens, it's over.

What I did may or may not matter. I finally understand what Mrs. Foutley told Ginger.

We will have feelings that will not matter. Some of them will just simply die for nothing no matter how grand or sublime they are.

It hurts but I don't care anymore. I'm just waiting for that final day when God finally asks me this question..

"Did you ever love someone with all of your life?"

" Yes, I did!"

With that, I can rest in peace wearing my halo, my white camison and my feather wings!

I wish Edith Piaf is here beside me right now...(eventhough she's french and I would'nt understand her sad songs...)

Happy Birthday, mecky! I'm afraid this is as special as it gets...

Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well
Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye tomorrow's gonna come too soon!
- Here's tonight, Eve 6

2006-10-02T02:03:00.000-07:00

We've been through a lot, I'm glad we're still here! happy birthday, pops!

"Life is beautiful, anak" - Tatay

adventures of harvey and ana

2006-09-22T23:05:00.000-07:00

The Adventures of Harvey and Anna
by: mmbs----------------------------------------

"NOT ONE TEAR"

Harvey was driving the car while Anna sat beside him singing SIlverstein's "Shattered into pieces" at the top of her lungs. Her voice was shaking, she just found out through a friend of hers that her boyfriend's manhood was serviced by twins at a party last September at her friend's house. She didn't know who the twins were, and so was his boyfriend.Apparently, he was drunk during the party.
-------
Anna: ..."save me when you come into the fire, I'd rather die than have to see your smile.."
--
Her phone rang. James tried to look at her face to figure out who she was talking to but the road was slippery so he focused in his driving. He knew his bestfriend was hurting. -------

Anna: Hello...
--
BF: Hey, it's me!
--
Anna: It's you again..using one of your friend's cellphone?
---
BF: You were'nt answering mine...you don't want to talk to me?
--
Anna: If I know it's you, I would'nt answer it from the first place.
--
BF: Can we talk? I want to see you, I want to be with you!
--
Anna: Why? Are you done fucking half the world??!
--
BF: It's not like that...
--
Anna: Then what is it? You can't get it from me so you tried to get it from someone else. No! It's not only SOMEONE ELSE, they're twins...i forgot, so how does it feel having one of your fantasies come true?
--
BF: I was drunk...
--
Anna: it doesnt mean you did'nt enjoy it!
--
BF: Can we just talk..I want to see you...
--
Anna: What? So you can fuck me?
--
BF: Please don't say that..that's not the reason why I'm with you..
--
Anna: Oh for Christ's sake,please don't tell me you're not in it for the screw...
--
BF: It's not like that... I want us to talk, can I see you tomorrow?
--
Anna: What for? So you can tell me that it's what every guy does? That everything is just a right of passage to being a man..that Boys will be boys. A friend of yours told me that It did'nt happened once...and that you have other girls on the side.
--
BF: I don't know what to say...
--
Anna: Nothing you say will make me feel better. Are we done talking?
--
BF: wait! I'm sorry, I'm only a guy, you're right, boys will be boys.
--
Anna: Well, you can be a boy all your life but without me! Pack your shit and go back to the states.
--
BF: I don't want to leave you, I don't want you to be alone...
--
Anna: I've been alone half my life, what makes you think I give a shit about you leaving me.
--
BF: I love you...
--
Anna: funny way of showing it...save that stupid line to your other girls..
--
She hang up the phone. James was still driving. The sun was about to set.
--
Harvey: Not one tear?
--
Anna: You know how I hate people like that. How can they live a life like that? Different girls every night? So what? Is that how you want to live your life?
--
Harvey: Please stay away from my sex life and stop talking ..I want to enjoy this week end, I don't want us to talk about anything associated with sex okay. I dont want to hear any words like holes,orfices, or anything..and that includes hotdogs.
--
Anna: Even "suck"?
--
Harvey: Yes, even that! Except when you use it before the words "life" or "roads" or some other prude words..
--
he laughed..
--
she laughed..
--
Harvey: So that's it? Just like that? No drama, No crying, No gooey snot and red eyes. No "I don't want to live anymore" lines..
--
Anna: Exacto mundo! He knows I hate that kind of life style. Besides, his dick is small anyway...
--
Harvey: Gross!
--
Anna: Yeah, like you don't have one..
--
Harvey: Haha, But it's not small!

-TILL NEXT ADVENTURE-----------------------------

heaven is just in the backyard...

2006-09-21T22:16:00.000-07:00

The Backyardigans! (look at the hippo's face, it's so funny..)

Everytime I'm in bad mood, I just turn the TV on and switch the channel to Nickolodeon and watch these guys and then I'm off to my lala land. This cartoon really cracks me up. I love everything about it. It's really corny but super funny. They sing awful but catchy songs ( and the lyrics doesnt even fit into the tune of the song, which makes it more funny) like "Ho daddy ho" and "what do you do with a scurvy pirate?" and they dance like..I dont know...it's fucking funny, I dont even know how to describe it.

I've been watching it for months now and I still can't figure out what the pink one is. Obviously, Pablo (my favorite!), the blue one, is a penguin. The orange one is a moose, I think his name is Tyrone (probably from the ghetto...) and the yellow one is a hippo right? The purple one is a kangaroo but what kind of animal is the pink one? I know her name, she's yaniqua or shaniqua or something but WHAT THE HELL IS SHE??? It's so frustrating...is she an ALIEN? she's definitely not a pig. Pigs don't have patches on the skin. But she has a swirly thing in her head..

Is she a SNAIL but without the SHELL?????

If she's a snail, cant they think of another animal? The baby penguin, the baby moose and the babby hippo are all cute. The kangaroo is cool so it works for the part but the SNAIL???? a baby snail???? without the shell and all??? A SNAIL? is she a snail? Is it because snails live in backyards? But what about the moose? the kangaroo? most definitely the hippo and penguin....They dont live in backyards? cant they think of a bigger animal? something that kids and STUPID ADULTS like myself can identify. What about a baby rabbit? or a baby pig, a baby bear, or a baby boa constrictor...WTF

I'm losing brain cells here...

The appropriate answer should be: FOR MYSELF

2006-09-11T07:30:00.000-07:00

I wrote this one a couple of months ago, nawalan na ako ng gana tapusin, lumipas na kasi yung pakiramdam.

I guess for this MOVING ON thing of mine to work, I have to be GUT WRENCHING honest to myself.

I guess it's pretty obvious, I AM A DAMAGED KID (and technically speaking most of the time, I am a latchkey kid) and I need to fix myself.

It all started out when my mom died a decade ago. OO, ganun katagal. It's not easy.

All I know is that if she were alive today I would'nt be this way. ANd I'm not being dramatic coz my mom's death is pure hardcore, hindi yun yung typical na storya ng isang taong namatay. At hindi madaling isaksak yun sa utak ng isang bata.

Pero nung nangyari yun I drank life STRAIGHT UP NO CHASER...eto ngayon ang resulta..
sampung taong hang over.

I was angry when she died, sabi ko sa sarili ko no one deserves to die that way. Mercy killing is just too much to digest for me. Sobrang lang sakit, isang araw andyan lang siya..masaya...masigla tapos all of a sudden as fast as a snap of a finger wala na siya.

Simula nun hindi na naging madali lahat. Sabi nila once na na encounter mo ang isang bagay na kinakatakutan mo hindi kana matatakot. Hindi kasi ganun kapag nawalan ka ng mahal sa buhay. Pag naranasan mo na ang mawalan LALO KANG MATATAKOT...

Sobrang hirap lalo na pag may tatay ka na palaging nasa isang bansa. Pag nawalan ka kasi ng isang magulang, matatakot ka na baka mawala pati din yung isa. May palagi akong sinasabi kay God, linya ko to s akanya kapag natatakot ako..."I deserve to have my dad walk me into the isle when I get married..."

Simula nun my dad has always been my reason for living. Kasi totoo when my mom died nawalan na talaga ako ng gana. Yun ung klase ng experience na kailangan mo iiyak araw araw. Galit ako kasi she didnt deserve what happened. Minsan gusto ko isigaw "Bakit siya pa?"

The hard part was that I didnt have anyone to blame...at totoo wala naman dapat sisihin..pero pag sobra ng sakit minsan gusto mo nalang sisihin kahit sino...fortunately hindi ko naman pinagdaanan yun...minsan lang talaga galit ako kung pano tumakbo ang mundo.

Sabi ng mga tao sapaligid ko natanggap ko daw agad. Akala ko din natanggap ko na yung nagyari..nagkamali ako...

Minsan tinatanog ko sa sarili ko kung nasan ang nanay ko...ang palagi ko lang sagot "she went to the grocery and never came back..." Ganun nalang ginagawa ko para hindi masakit.

Pero masama pala yun...pagkinikmkim mo lahat dadating ka sa punto na mapupuno ka na... bigla ka nalang sasabog.

Kinimkim ko lahat because I want to protect my dad. The last thing he needs is a daughter who bitches about life. But I did, patago nga lang. ganun naman yun eh, as long as everybody sees you smile or laugh...your'e okay...

So ganun ang impression ng lahat sa pamilya. It's part of my plan simula ng nawala si nanay...protect everyone in the family...pero merong catch, I didnt want anyone to protect me...Siguro Isa yan sa frustration na kuya ko..Hindi ko siya hinyaan na protektahan ako...Kahit ang tatay ko minsn ganyan ang pakirandam...ewan ko, hindi ko alam ang dahilan ...but it's definitely not because of pride...

Siguro sobrang nafrustrate ako na wala akong nagawa nung nagkasakit ang nanay ko kaya eto nagcocompensate ako sa kanila. At totoo yun, ayoko lang na may masaktan na naman. Our family has been through hell and back since then, sobrang dami ng mg sacrifices.I just dont want to go through that pain again.

Lately narealize ko na I shut down...I push people away from my life and once I let them in, I expect them not to mess things up, which is unfair because people make mistakes. Madalas lalo na nung high school, I'd rather be alone than spend time with my friends.
Madalas pag may gimik nagbibigay nalang ako ng rason para hindi makapunta. I remember a txt message that my friend Lany texted "hanggang kailan ka magtatago?". Madalas din pag may family celebration o reunion hindi ako pumupunta. Palagi kong sinasabi sa sarili ko "What for?"

narealize ko din na kailangan kong mabuhay para sa sarili ko, kasi all this time nabubuhay lang ako para sa mga taong mahal ko. Kung baga buhay pa sila kaya buhay padin ako. Tumatanda na ko kaya yung purpose nayon unti unti ng nauupos. Ngayon dapat gustuhin kong mabuhay dahil gusto ko yun para sa sarili ko.

Aminado ako nung mga nakaraang buwan, naghahanap talaga ako ng rason. Yung mga ginagawa ko kasi lately parang hindi na worth it. Yun pa ung mga panahon na nasa selfish mode ang kapatid ko. I ended up trying to protect everyone in the family from his selfishness, napagod ako...kasi nung panahon na yun akala ko walang nakakaintindi ng ginagawa ko para sa kanila. Again, "what for?" na naman ang tanong ko sa sarili ko.

But I'm learning, sobrang swerte ko na I have my dad. Siya yung taong palaging nagbibigay sakin ng chance. Alam mya kasi yung nararamdaman ko. It's just so hard to live again and to be that same happy driven kid that I was.

I was just waiting for a signal. Signal from my mom telling me that it's okay for me to live my life without her. Alam ko madami ng signals, nagkabukol na ako kasi binato na sakin ng maraming beses, but I was too busy hating the world to even pay attention.

But I'm learning, yun lang ang masasabi ko ngayon.

back from baguio...

2006-09-10T08:44:00.000-07:00

So I'm back in manila, i dont know if it's a good thing or not hehe. I wish I could stay longer up in the mountains but I can't.

----------
I am very very tired but I cant sleep. My head still aches and my muscles still hurt. My heart? Hmm...nothing can hurt my heart! hehehe
-----------
All in all, the whole trip wasnt bad eventhough it started a little bit annoying.

-----------

Annoyance no 1: On our way to baguio, I spilled the noodles that I was eating and half my jeans absorbed it all. So from manila to baguio, I smelled like instant chicken noodles.

-----------

Annoyance no 2: My muscles cramp when it's cold so I cant really walk. The first time I went out, I only had 5 steps and I was crying out of pain. Plus I was having my monthly visit so walking is not a good thing ( my lower extremities are always weak whenever I have my period). So everytime we go out, I have to take pain killers first or else I'll bitch.

----------

Annoyance no 3: This one pretty much ruined my "gusto" to stay there longer. Someone snatched my cell phone. Partly, it was my fault since I was not paying attention to my surroundings because I was too busy watching all the hot korean soccer players in the park. I absent mindedly placed my phone in my jacket (which is just plain stupid, I know!) and then moments later my phone was gone and the fly of my jacket was open. Damn those hot korean guys, I blame it all to them. hehe.

--------------

At first I was upset. Why me? Am I a poster girl for tragedy? Or is it because this guy who snatched my phone saw me drooling on the sight of all of these korean soccer players and assumed that I was fucked up in the head so he took advantage of it?

---------------

hehehe... he was right!

-------------

I was just too busy watching...there's something cute about their socks pulled up into their knees...I dont know...

--------------

Charge up to experience na lang sabi ko...

-------------

"ang mahal naman ng experience ng anak ko" ang sagot ng butihin kong ama

----------

That dude better sell my phone and feed his hungry family or buy a fucking carabao or something...I dont want him to blow it on worthless crap like pot or acid.

----------

But beside these shits, I still enjoyed being there. I just want to be away from manila even just for awhile.

-------------

I love it up there.

---------

One thing I love about baguio is that, my skin clears up there...no blemishes, no nothing...hehehe..for some reason cold places do wonders in my skin and my hair falls straight too, I dont have to tie it up to hide the damn curls...hehe. Basically, I look good when I'm there. (I'm a superficial human being...nah, I'm just kidding)

----------

Sadyang matahimik lang dun. Cool na cool lang yung mga tao hindi katulad dito sa maynila paglabas na paglabas mo palang sa bahay mo mainit na ulo mo.

----------

Pero dun iba. Sobrang dali sakin ma achieve yung peace of mind.

--------------

I guess baguio brings out the best in me, maybe I want to live there for good!

--------------

...asus cheesy ah, hindi sa totoo lang marami kasing bilihan ng sundot kulangot duon eh kaya gusto ko dun tumira...hehehe

praise you dear metallica!

2006-09-06T11:04:00.000-07:00

Si Kirk ang paborito kong pari/pare sa Our Lady of Mercy parish sa may novaliches bayan. Sa totoo lang hindi ko alam ang tunay na pangalan niya kasi late na kami dumating sa misa. Pinangalanan ko siyang "kirk" dahil kamukha niya si Kirk Hammett ng Metallica. Hindi siya katulad ng ibang pare na "clean cut", mahaba ang kanyang buhok na may pagkakulot, may bigote, medyo maiitim...to make the description short eh kamukha niya talaga si KirkHammett. Natawa pa nga ako nung nakita ko siya kasi kung wala siya sa kasuotan ng isang pare eh mapagkakamalan ko siyang sanggano..."mukha daw siyang hoodlum", sa kanya na mismo nanggaling yan!

Sabi niya nung bata pa siya hindi maganda ang impression na nabibigay ng itsura niya sa mga tao, tinawag pa nga daw siyang "black sheep" ng mga kapit bahay nila dati dahil nga sa itsura niya, tinawag din daw siyang "ugly monkey" ng isa sa mga classmate niya noon. Sabi niya dinala daw niya yung mga salita nayon sa kanyang paglaki. dahil duon naging mahigpit siya nung naging pare siya. Sabi niya yuon daw yung naging resulta ng mga salitang narinig niya. He became hard on himself and to other people. Sabay biglang kumanta si Kirk ng kanta ni Michael Bolton...natawa ang buong simbahan.

Imagine Kirk Hammett singing a Michael Bolton song...

Hindi ko talaga mapigil pero sa paningin ko si kirk talaga siya, inaantay ko nalang lumabas si James Hetfield sabay sigaw ng "Exit light!" pero hindi tuloy parin siya sa pagsermon.

Nakakaaliw siyang pakinggan kasi kakaiba siya magsalita, kaboses niya si Abdul yung nasa cartoons na time travel yung may takure!

"bi jontol" ang sabi niya...

ANO DAW? sabi ko sa tatay ko...

BE GENTLE DAW!

ah...sabi niya be gentle daw, tawanan nating ang ating mga sarili kapag nagkamali tayo, huwag daw tayong masyadong mabigat sa sarili natin, matuto daw tayong patawarin ang mga sarili natin kapag nagkamali tayo.

Sabi niya huwag daw natin masyadong intindihin ung mga masasamang sinsabi ng mga tao. Huwag daw tayo masayadong maging critical sa ating mga sarili...

ika nga sa expression ng aking tatay..."trangkilo" meaning relax lang...

Distracted ako nung misa kasi mainit, medyo malabo sakin yung pinatutunguan ng mensahe ni kirk...

pagkatapos ng sermon ay bumanat siya ng bilin...

paguwi daw namin sa aming sariling bahay, tumingin daw kami sa salamin at sabihin daw namin sa aming sarili na maganda ako, guwapo ako...mahal ko ang sarili ko!

Sobrang cheesy pero hindi na ako nasurpresa, alam kong babanat siya ng ganun...kumanta ba naman ng Michael Bolton...

But on a serious note, I get what he was saying. Lahat ng tao pinagdaanan yan which is normal..PARTE NG BUHAY kung baga, minsan kailangan mo munang kaasaran yung sarili mo bago mo siya talaga matutong mahalin ...but the thing is we should love oursleves no matter what. We can torture ourselves by thinking of what other people say or we could make our lives miserable by counting our flaws..

sure why not? go ahead... buhay mo yan..

but once you have done every piece of self abuse in this world, once you ran out of it...

the only thing left to do is to love yourself.

"I suggest we learn to love ourselves before it's made illegal"- Warning, Incubus

P.S

Kirk, I'll see you next sunday!

Exit light!

2006-09-04T19:44:00.000-07:00

i'm leaving...

Leaving the Past Behind
By Ronald D. Bissell

“I love my past. I love my present. I'm not ashamed of what I've had, and I'm not sad because I have it no longer.”
Colette, The Last of Cheri, 1926

A part of a life of freedom includes the letting go of the past and embracing what the future holds for us. I’m at a place in my life where shortly the past will be left behind and a new future will be found. In letting go of the past I cherish each memory of every event that I participated in. I cherish those persons I have touched and know that they were given a gift that is priceless – the gift of love.

“The golden moments in the stream of life rush past us and we see nothing but sand; the angels come to visit us, and we only know them when they are gone.”
George Eliot (1819 - 1880)

I feel so sad for those who cannot let go of the past. Many wallow in sorrow over events that are long forgotten. Their lives continue to be affected by past events and they become stuck in a place where their future becomes distorted. They miss the opportunities of today and find missed chances to give love to others. Chances to change another’s life occur at random moments and it is up to each of us to be alert to their presence and to not allow them to pass between the cracks and realize our mistake in not seeing them when it is too late.

“Reflect on your present blessings, of which every man has many; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.”
Charles Dickens

I live in my present moment and am attuned to those opportunities to give love as they present themselves. I react to the chance to give someone’s life a lift or to help one who has misfortune. I leave the past in the past and use that experience to grow not to diminish my life.

“When you make a mistake, don't look back at it long. Take the reason of the thing into your mind and then look forward. Mistakes are lessons of wisdom. The past cannot be changed. The future is yet in your power.”
Hugh White

I chose to look toward the future with an eye toward the possible. How can I be of service? How can I change my life to cause others to find who they are? When will I be able to personally affect more people’s lives so that they will grow and become all they can be? These are the questions I now find myself asking. How can I be a better person? In what way can I change my world? Who will be my mentors in life and when will I become open to their presence?

“Our imagination is the only limit to what we can hope to have in the future.”
Charles F. Kettering

It is our future that we should focus on but not at the expense of today. Each moment is a wonder and we should treat them as such. Our lives are a miracle and so are the contacts and events we participate in throughout our life. We should spend time seeing the miracles we create in order to know how our lives are contributing to the wonder of who we are.

“Live neither in the past nor in the future, but let each day's work absorb your entire energies, and satisfy your widest ambition.”
Sir William Osler, to his students

Each chapter in our lives should be prefaced by the lessons from the past and those lessons should be incorporated into whatever we decide to do. Our lives contain so much wisdom – wisdom that was discovered and honed by the miracle called you. These should be the building blocks of your future life so that you can continue forth a greater soul than when you were born.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.”
Abraham Lincoln (1809 - 1865)

I’m reminded of my father-in-law who was a farmer his entire life. When he became unable to farm any longer he closed the one chapter on his life and began a new one. He sold his farm and moved to a new location to begin a life based upon the wisdom and principles of his past life. He was a true mentor to me and was an example of how to use the wisdom of the past to create a future of your dreams.

“Those who stare at the past have their backs turned to the future.”
Unknown

As I approach a definitive moment in my life I see it with the utmost wonder. I see possibilities that are endless, moments that will change lives, and opportunities that will create and within that creation I will find my path built upon the foundation of my past experiences.

“The future is not a result of choices among alternative paths offered by the present, but a place that is created--created first in the mind and will, created next in activity. The future is not some place we are going to, but one we are creating. The paths are not to be found, but made, and the activity of making them, changes both the maker and the destination.”
John Schaar, futurist

Make the choice to use the lessons of the past to create the future of your dreams. I’m a dreamer and my dreams are miracles – miracles that will take me to a new world that I will create from the lessons I learned through my past life experiences. I am neither fearful nor full of doubt for I know that whatever my future holds will be built upon sound principles of love, inner peace, and will be full of hugs. You see, hugs are the connections to our souls.

“As long as anyone believes that his ideal and purpose is outside him, that it is above the clouds, in the past or in the future, he will go outside himself and seek fulfillment where it cannot be found. He will look for solutions and answers at every point except where they can be found--in himself.”
Erich Frohm

Come with me into a future of choice. Together we can look toward a future filled with wonder and one in which fear is gone and love becomes the basis for life. This new world will be full of potential and full of charm. It will lead us onward toward the future of our choice and will result is a way of beauty that will change and improve everyone and everything we touch. Will you join me in this new journey?

“This is the true joy in life, being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one. Being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy. I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community and as I live it is my privilege - my *privilege* to do for it whatever I can. I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work the more I love. I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no brief candle to me; it is a sort of splendid torch which I've got a hold of for the moment and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations.”
George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)

singlehood and its possibilities

2006-08-29T09:16:00.000-07:00

Once you try to see yourself out of your previous failed relationship with the person that you really love, you will realize that all the possibilities of what you'll turn out to be are endless. And that your potential "to have it all" is at an all time high.

You will be blinded by what the world has to offer. So now, you do a lot of things just to convince yourself that you're MOVING ON.

because if you dont make yourself different, the pain will just eat you up.

So you keep on going....
moving forward...
trying...
thriving....
until you're successful on the outside, cold in the inside....

The only pratfall to this fucking formula is that IT'S EXHAUSTING!

because in reality, you just want to do anything that can make you say "I'm different now". ...different from the person who used to be in that relationship...different from the person who used to love that person who left you..

But what If I dont want to be different from that person who used to be with him...?

What If I don't want to have it all?

"All I need is love" - Lucy Diamond Dawson, I am Sam

2006-08-24T03:47:00.000-07:00

nyahaha...i think I'm in love with this picture..

2006-08-18T04:45:00.000-07:00

Maybe one of the reasons why I'm still in the darkness is because I'm afraid to shine..Success takes you where your character can't handle...I want to shine but not on the expense of blinding people with my light..

Ika nga ni Timo Cruz...
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine as children do.

It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own lights shine,
we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence
automatically liberates others.

2006-08-12T00:55:00.001-07:00

This whole leiko thing is really a bad news for me now that she's coming back to manila. Iv'e been angry again for the last couple of days. Luckily, my dad bought me season 1 and season 2 of HOUSE, so all my attention is now on the television. And I like it! I need anything just to take my mind off that bitch! (oh well, bastos lang ako sa mga taong bastos)

I like watching HOUSE not because I like to see sick people. In fact, I hate hospitals and ambulances BUT because I like watching people get well. If you've been watching the first season, No one died except the baby on the 4th episode. I like to see hope...I like to see miracles...

I finished watching the 1st season and I have more..let's see 14 or 15 more episodes to go but it left a lot of questions in my mind.

a. If Dr. House became my mom's doctor, can he cure her?

b. How many people die from misdiagnosis?

c. How many families lives ruined by those?

d. How many girls dont have moms because of it?

e. How many parents protect their child from a dying.. let's say father or mother?

No definite answers...What the the fuck do i know...

I had fun yesterday, My dad and I went to quiapo to have my cameras cleaned. I was kind'a dissappointed that the half frame camera can't be used anymore. Remember, If you want to have your manual or digital cameras fixed, go to Hidalgo st. just beside the Quiapo church, there are a lot of experts there. Sometimes, you dont need to go to a classy mall to have things repaired.

What else we did yesterday? Of course, we went DVD shopping haha! YES! pirated DVDs, and no, I dont feel compelled to explain why I prefer to buy PIRATED DVDs. Hmmm...let me guess...AH! BECAUSE IT'S CHEAP...anyway,here's an argument that the boys of Dicta License presented during one of their interviews (back in th days)

EG: Do you ever feel threatened by piracy?

Kelley: Piracy? If ever ma-sign kami, why not buy the original na lang, support the people making it, kase...Bry explains it better, Bry explain it, man.

Bryan: Ako kasi, personally, torn ako sa issue na yan, e. Kasi pare, kung artist ka, Siyempre gusto mo original yung binenta mo, Anti-Piracy. Pero, As a fan gusto mo cheapest way as possible to get music. Eh, since available na yung technology for that, it's hard. I mean, tayo, nagbu-burn tayo ng sarili nating CD. As an artist mahirap nga. But at least for us wala naman yung money-issue, it's not important...well, for me.

Pochoy: Paningin ko kasi dyan parang, it's another evolution sa music industry. Parang Globalization na din sya, na may opportunity costs, May mawawala, May bagong mangyayari, Pero may mawawala. So yung mga sweldo ng mga artists nababawasan 'di ba? Pero yung mga tao naman na mga consumers, madali nakakabili, Mas mura, mas mura ang musika sa kanila. Anong mas mabigat na timbang? Hindi ko alam! Pero tignan natin sa partikular, Siguro yung mga artists na yun lang ang paraan nilang kumita ng pera, Siguro yun, apektado yun. Pero yung mga artists naman na sobra naman ang pera...

Compelling stuffs huh?

Anyway, my dad went nuts when I took him to Arlegui St. (that is where I have my SUKI hehe!)He bought a lot of Jazz concert DVDs that I havent heared of. He also bought Jim Croce ( some of his songs sounds like Jason Mraz BUT 1000x COOLER).And that long beard of his was insane...

We went to another stall and my dad pulled this Earl Klugh DVD (him, i heared of) and then I said "Itim pala si Earl Klugh" (and I didn't mean it as an insult, I'm not a racist, its just that I thought that he's white) and then this guy I called "Manong" (I call every guy who sells DVDs that way)laughed and said with these exact words "but he can play" and my dad just laughed. It was fun, not only because my dad paid it all but because it felt like a father - daughter bonding moment..hehe! I didnt see any concert DVDs I like, But I bought AAR and SOTY. I haven't really seen them perform live on television. My dad told me about the stuffs he used to listen when he was young (or should I say still listens). It was cool to discuss music with him. Last week he saw me watching my Ben Folds DVD and he sat beside me and watched it, and he told me that it sounded just like Joe Jackson (whoever he is)haha!

He gets excited when he sees his favorite bands perform on TV and he was even more exited yesterday when he saw the DVDs. It's funny because, I feel the same way too whenever I see a concert DVD of my favorite bands...AH,the powerful genes of my dad hehe!

After that we went to this place who only serves Fresh Lumpia and Empanada.
It's just a small place with metallic tables, not really tables, ok fine tables with no feet and bolted or screwed on the walls. Whatever,hehe..but the fresh lumpia was divine! 16 bucks a piece...and they only have mineral water and the old school SARSI, which is cool. It makes the place laid back, simple.."maka masa" kung baga...my dad told me that my mom brought him there when they were in college, so the place is there for a very long time. I forgot the name of the place but It was featured on tv before because there are pictures of Sharlene Gonzales and that KAY SUSAN TAYO girl. oh right, Susan...on the walls.

Now i remember! The place is called Globe something..or anything that starts with G. Ah basta! Malapit siya sa over pass! That God forsaken overpass with vendors who sell dildoes. Oh yes, you heared me right...DILDOES...it's sick but funny. You can see students (mostly boys) looking at it whenever they pass, it's ridiculous. What if I buy one and call it BONER, I'll give it to my dogs so they can play with something that vibrates..haha..

...got to finish season 2, good luck to my eyes and my ass!

Dark Blue

2006-08-10T03:28:00.000-07:00

I imagine myself lying on the grass beside my mom's grave staring up in the sky with Andrew Mcmahon's voice singing "Dark Blue"...

While Andrew is singing, I want to see the images of All the people I love up in the blue sky like some fucking PC Slide show...

I want to smell the grass and the wind...

I want leaves from the trees to fall in my face...

Gusto ko umulan...

Gusto ko bumaha..

This time hindi sisipsipin ng lupa ang tubig...

Aapaw lang siya...

Hanggang matapos ang kanta...

If only I could have Andrew's voice inside my head singing that song over and over again like a broken record then I'll go through another day without the person that I love...

garapon...

2006-08-03T08:56:00.000-07:00

Aminado ako, I suck at embracing changes in my life. Hindi ako resilient, mabagal ako pagdating sa mga bagay na ganyan...Hindi ako pwedeng madaliin...

Minsan may mga panahong naamoy ko ang pagbabago sa buhay ko, tumingin lang ako sa bintana o minsan sa langit, alam ko na merong magbabago...

minsan natatakot ako...
minsan nalulungkot...
minsan nagagalit...

Lalo na pag alam ko na kasama sa pagbabago nayon ay may mawawalang importanteng tao sakin...

kc ako once na naging importante ang isang tao sakin kahit anu mangyari, importante na siya sakin habang buhay....

kahit sinaktan ako or something, that person still get the whole package: respeto, understanding...etc. lahat...

Right now nasa age ako na vulnerable ako sa changes...anu pakiramdam?

nakakatakot...i dont want to lose myself pag tinaggap ko ang mga pagbabago...

sana lahat ng masasayang memories sa buhay natin at ang mga importanteng tao satin lalo na ung mga mahal natin sa buhay eh pwede mong ipasok sa loob ng garapon. Pwede mong dalin kahit saan, pwede mong titigan...basta isarado mo ang takip, sigurado kang hindi sila mawawala...

Pero minsan kahit nakasarado na ung takip, may nawawala padin....

Kc sila na yung gustong umalis sa loob ng garapon...

wala ka ng magagawa kung gusto nila umalis...

hahayaan mo na sila...

Ngayon para akong isang garapon...

May mga bagay sa nakaraan na kaylangan kong pakawalan...

minsan nagdadalawang isip ako kung bubuksan ko ba ung garapon...

pero kailangan...

pag hindi ko binuksan baka magkalumot sa loob o kaya ng moist...

Di bale....pwede naman siyang bumalik

bubuksan ko ulit ang garapon....

2006-08-01T09:46:00.000-07:00

"ETO"

-Michelle Mae B. Simplicio

eto ka na naman

may panahon na namang isipin siya..

suot ang bakante mong utak...

handa ka na namang umiyak!

ang sakit pala..

kpag d kna mhal ng mhal mo

d mo mnlang ba ita2nong kung ginago

nyo lang ang mga sarili nyo?..

pra saan pa ang laman ng puso mo?

may pakialam pa kaya cya...

anu sa tingin mo?.....

ang sabi nya mahal ka nya..

sabi nya sayo maniwala ka..

pero anu ang nangyari nung naniwala kna?...

iniwan krin naman niya...dibah?

ikaw na nga ang nagmahal

ikaw pa ang nasaktan..

ikaw na nga ang nagbigay.....

ikaw prin ang nawalan..

nakita mo nba ang yong sarili....

habang ika'y umiiyak?

dala ang lungkot ng mundo

sa bawat luhang pumapatak

hanggang kelan mo balak mgkaganyan?

d b dpat gumawa kna ng paraan?

lumimot kna at mghanap ng iba..

buksan mo ang puso pra sa natitira.....

marami pa dyan...

maniwala ka kaibigan ko..

wag mong pgtuunan ng pansinang taong walang pakialam sayo!

kaya tahan na sa pagiyak at ngumiti kana..

patunayan mo sa sarili mo...

na kaya mong makakita ng katulad niya.....

mas higit pa.......